I am very pleased to announce that my new, and only, sexual orientation is Vanity Fair’s most recent Hollywood Issue cover. It’s unclear if this is what the esteemed publication intended, but we’ve arrived here somehow. For the issue’s 25th anniversary the cover features the Black Panther himself, Chadwick Boseman, the world’s most Beautiful Boy, Timothée Chalamet, our very own Lady Bird, Saoirse Ronan, and other supremely hot and talented icons such as Henry Golding, Regina King, Yalitza Aparicio, Tessa Thompson, Rami Malek, Nicholas Hoult, John David Washington, and Elizabeth Debicki.
To celebrate this anniversary and these industry titans, Vanity Fair decided to create “moving images of [their] own.” With the help of “three-time Academy Award-winning cinematographer Emmanuel ‘Chivo’ Lubezki” the magazine recorded all of its cover subjects in “full, diamond-sharp motion and then edited them into the images you see here.” Okay!
These moving images, combined with the musings of the artists about Hollywood (“The actors who are within the pages of this issue give new breath to what Hollywood is and what Hollywood is going to be,” says Boseman), has ya’ girl truly turnt the fuck up!
This lineup is so stacked, I thought I was having a cardiac event, until I realized I was simply experiencing a sexual urge so strong that I was able to overlook Chadwick Boseman’s business casual, day-to-night, Givenchy blouse in his moving image.
My mind wandered to a fictitious world where Boseman, in his Black Panther catsuit, makes his way to Northern Italy in 1983 to seduce Chalamet as Call Me by Your Name’s Elio. Later, T’Challa, Elio (Mr. Chalamet’s, who in my fantasy is an accurate and age appropriate 23 years old), and Elio’s peach travel to Sacramento in 2002. Chalamet retains the impish Elio qualities, but is somehow also Lady Bird character Kyle. There Boseman as T’Challa and Chalamet as Elilye (Elio + Kyle) invite a college-aged Lady Bird to be a third party in their sexual relationship. In my fantasy, the trio live happily and on a trip to Singapore become involved with Henry Golding as Crazy Rich Asian’s Nick. Tessa Thompson appears along the way, because why fucking not.
Unfortunately for my parents, therapist, and pastor, I could go on all day. Fortunately for all of those people, I shan’t. Some things should be kept private, you know?
What I will do is leave you with this tidbit from Lil Timmy Tim, Timothée Chalamet, who said, in addition to being an “honor” the cover feature is “a pinch-me moment.” Oh, baby, don’t threaten me with a good time.