It is easy now to see that my years of keeping up with the Kardashians was preparing me for this moment. The time I dedicated to studying the actions of the cosmetic and contour queens of Calabasas was simply so that I could best absorb and understand the gravity of the most shocking news since we learned that Pluto isn’t a planet: Kylie Jenner’s best friend Jordyn Woods is allegedly having an affair with Khloé Kardashian’s boyfriend and baby’s father Tristan Thompson. Beginning on Tuesday, there’s been more news than I can handle around this story. Each update more shocking than the next (they’ve been together for a month!?), we’ve had no place to turn for a moment of respite as we furiously reload Instagram to see who still follows who. And as the unfollows of Tristan and Jordyn rack up among the family and friends of Khloé, so do their public responses and the examples of high-key shade. Let’s look at what Khloé and her inner circle are saying about the most reckless duo in SoCal — it is juicer than Kylie Cosmetics’ glosses.
The most fascinating member of the Kardashian-Jenner family to watch during a state of crisis is Kimberly Noel Kardashian West. Anyone would assume that Kim would most like to go down in history for her fashions, famous family, or famous body, but it’s my personal belief that she’d like to be forever known for her humor (she’s funny, okay!), private-investigator skills, and her ability to concoct the “perfect” clapback. Which is why we sit and wait patiently for Kim to free up her schedule and grace the citizens of the world wide web with shade to feast on until next Thanksgiving. And this week, she did not disappoint.
Aside from leading the familial pack by unfollowing both Tristan and Jordyn on Instagram, Kim took time out of her day to fan the flames of this drama. Responding to a small blog questioning Khloé’s appearance at a Pretty Little Thing event in light of her current situation, Kim went off (for Calabasas) saying, “Would you prefer she lose the 💰 too? A single mom has to work too boo! This was a professional commitment planned far in advance and you better believe she is not waiting on anyone to pay her bills or provide for her daughter. PERDIODT!!! [sic]”
Not the best argument considering Khloé isn’t in any danger of going broke after one day without her NBA playing boyfriend, but the sentiment remains. And, after warming up on Twitter, Kim took her talents to the main stage: Instagram Stories. On a “girls trip” with Khloé and Everybody’s Favorite Best Friend, Malika, Kim and Malika sang along to Brandy’s “Who Is She 2 U?” and Nivea’s “Don’t Mess With My Man.” The song’s titles clearly allude to a cheating man and woman trying to steal someone else’s man. They drive home their shade by pointing directly at the camera, as they sing, “Here’s a little advice for you, find your own man.”
While Kylie has been pretty quiet about the situation, her silence speaks volumes. On Wednesday night, Kylie made her return to social media with two very somber selfie videos right before bed. In an animal-print pajama set, Kylie tousled her hair and zoomed in on her make-up free, downcast face. This is basically the official uniform of anyone who has suffered a breakup of any kind. Let’s hope Stormi’s assistant left some ice cream waiting by Kylie’s nightstand.
Another possible response from Kylie came in the form of a discount to certain offerings from her cosmetics line. As she’s done with all of her Kardashian sisters, Kylie launched a makeup collaboration with Jordyn last year. This line, keen-eyed fans have noticed, was marked down after the news of Jordyn and Tristan’s affair was made public. Here’s the thing, though, these markdowns or “Best Value” deals as they’re labeled on her site, could have been on sale prior to the news. Also, the collection bundle is still full price and there are various other items for sale including a product from Khloé’s line with Kylie. What is interesting is that now all of the “Jordy” products have sold out on Kylie’s site, as their namesakes actions have most likely made these collectors items.
Not one to lean into public drama, Kourtney has also kept pretty silent on the whole situation. Like her sisters she did unfollow Jordyn on Instagram, but the most “shade” she’s tried to throw Jordyn’s way is a sexy photo posted on Instagram. The shade? The caption, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.” Yes, it’s a cliché, but Kourtney knows alluding to best friends (especially expensive, inanimate best friends) during this time is a direct slap in the face for Jordyn.
What we do love about Kourtney is that she may not do much dirty work for all the public to see, but she makes sure someone does the job. Which is where her trusty pal Larsa Pippen comes in. Larsa, one of the early commentators confirming the news, was stopped by TMZ on Wednesday and asked a string of questions about the scandal. Initially, she paced the street saying little to nothing, but once the cameras caught her after whatever appointment she had, Larsa opened right up. She told TMZ that Jordyn should look for a new place to live, and she doubted she’d be staying in Kylie’s guest house for much longer.
Like Larsa, Everybody’s Favorite Best Friend, Malika, has made it known that she’s Team KoKo and literally nothing else. She made early comments confirming the cheating allegations, and she participated in Kim’s Instagram Stories series where they dragged Jordyn through ’90s R&B. Malika also stood by Khloé’s side — in a matching outfit — during Khloé’s first red carpet since the news broke earlier this week.
What About the Stars of This Drama?
This week has certainly been tough on Jordyn, but she’s still managed to honor some of her own work commitments, too. If you’ve been following her on Instagram before she shook the whole foundation of her life by hooking up with someone who is firmly off limits, you know that she’s been working on her own line of Eyelure eyelashes. And in a twist of fate, that launch was last night. Wearing her natural hair, minimal makeup, and an all-white ensemble, Jordyn addressed the crowd saying, “Thank you guys for coming out and supporting me through everything that’s going on … You know, it’s been real … and Eylure has been super real; this has been a project I’ve been working on for over nine months right now.”
Hollywood Unlocked reports that before her Eyelure launch Jordyn was seen crying at an L.A. restaurant. No word on what restaurant is was, but she was seen at Lisa Vanderpump’s SUR last night by multiple people, and DJ James Kennedy even joked (I hope) that she was handing in her résumé.
Tristan’s response has been to out-Tristan himself at every turn. Instead of being on bed rest for his Drifting Dick Disease, this man “doesn’t care” about the dissolution of his relationship or the possibility of seeing his daughter, True, less. Apparently he’s made a habit of staying at his ex-girlfriend and son’s mother’s house (also named Jordan) over the last few months when he’s had disagreements with Khloé.
Finally, Khloé used Instagram Stories yesterday morning to post quotes like she typically does, and she chose ones that were obviously very related to the matters at hand. One said, “the worst pain is gettin [sic] hurt by a person you explained your pain to” and another, “If they ask you about me, tell them: “She was the only person that loved me with honesty, and I broke her heart.”