Donald Trump, Jr. Enjoyed a Very Haunted Valentine’s Day

Just a totally regular night on the town. Photo: Getty Images

Donald Trump, Jr. had a very romantic Valentine’s Day, I’ll have you know. The First Son and Boss Boy definitely has not cracked under the pressure of possible indictment; no, he’s doing great, stepping “out on the town” with his special lady, former Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle. How do I know? Don, Jr. added some more Bada$$ content to his Instagram feed, a V-Day gift from him to you.

Here’s Donberly striking a completely natural pose outside Nello, the Upper East Side restaurant where pasta costs $275 and solo women are forbidden from eating at the bar.

They had a really fun time! See how, in that second photo, their smiles spread all the way to their eyes? Just a couple of haunted dolls caught in love’s thrall, as evidenced by the last pic, where Kim looks just so happy and comfortable with her “Junior Mint.”

Well, obviously I kid. But perhaps her rigid posture reflects some degree of fear at the army of fuzzy diners stationed behind her, tracking the pair’s every movement with their unblinking button eyes. I hate to admit it but I see her point. Nello’s chosen Valentine’s Day décor — an insidious tableau composed of giant ruby teddy bears seated at petal-strewn tables — makes me feel acutely nervous.

Other people seem to like them, though?

Then again, other people feel fine about shelling off nearly $300 for a trussed-up noodle plate, so here we are. Still, I think Jezebel asks a fair question: “What do they [the rosy hell beasts] want?” I would add to that: What do they mean? What kinda plans have these bears hatched in their hive mind, and what sinister intentions should I read into their soulless gaze? Does Nello display them every year, and do they smell like mildew? Or do they smell like blood spatter, camouflaged by crimson coats? And most pressing of all, are these bears allowed to sit alone at the bar?

I bet they are. Who among us would be bold enough to tell them no?

Donald Trump, Jr. Enjoyed a Very Haunted Valentine’s Day