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This Ben Affleck Farm Rumor Sounds Nice

Photo: Getty Images

On February 22, 2018, the National Enquirer published a story that alleged Ben Affleck was planning to give up life in Hollywood and move to a farm. Earlier today, Gossip Cop reminded us they were wrong — he never did move to that farm. True. But right now, I’m here to tell you: That sounds like a pretty good idea, and maybe Ben Affleck should quit Hollywood and move to a farm.

Do you know Gossip Cop? It’s an online celebrity gossip website that functions as an anti-celebrity gossip authority, and it is incredible. For example, the most recent story posted to Gossip Cop at this moment is “Bradley Cooper Wears Hats Because He’s Worried He’s Losing His Hair?” and the story is about how no, that’s not why Bradley Cooper wears hats. (“This bogus story seems to have been written simply because the actor wears a baseball cap on occasion,” writes Gossip Cop, setting the record straight, as is its duty.)

Gossip Cop wrote about the Ben Affleck farm rumor one year after its original publishing to remind its reading public to be wary about what they read in the tabloids, and to trust their beloved Gossip Cop above all else. Believe me, I do. But also I think maybe the National Enquirer got something right, in that it would be nice if Ben Affleck moved to a farm. I think he should consider it.

Here is how Gossip Cop describes the farm story:

To make it seem like its story was legitimate, the supermarket tabloid alleged it had an Affleck source who maintained he wanted to distance himself from the “temptations of Hollywood” and lead a “less stressful” existence on a farm with a “few animals” in upstate New York. Throughout its article, the outlet reiterated Affleck was ready to ditch Hollywood for a more “laid-back life.”

The National Enquirer description is incredibly tempting. I wonder if Ben Affleck ever saw it, and whether it would change his mind if he did. A few animals? Upstate New York? A laid-back life? Less stressful? Removed from the temptations of Hollywood? I’m ready. This is the life I want. Let’s go, Ben Affleck. You and me. Or you and Lindsay Shookus.

Imagine … you wake up with the sun, put your feet on the farm floor. Breathe in the air. Pour an iced coffee from the fridge. Smile at Lindsay Shookus. Look out over your land. You’re in the moment. You’re happy. You think about your day — tending to your animals, reading. Minor farm upkeep. Major farm upkeep, maybe, some days. Making little meals for yourself. Smiling at the thought of your old exploits, with a heavy heart, an eye toward the future, and a mind in the present. Living in bliss. Damn. Ben Affleck should move to that farm.

If Ben Affleck is reading this I’d like to say to him directly: Don’t rule out moving to that farm in upstate New York. Why not do it? It sounds good.

I Love This Wholesome Tabloid Rumor About Ben Affleck