Centuries ago, the Ancient Celts would celebrate their victories in battle by hanging the severed heads of their enemies around their horses’ necks, and parading them through the villages. In Ancient Rome, victorious generals would march through the streets in what was known as a triumph, before sacrificing two white Oxen to the god Jupiter. Victory, in short, is messy, and violent, and ugly, and it seems the Patriots Super Bowl Party was no different. It seems Tom Brady stayed up past his 8:30 p.m. bedtime.
On Tuesday, the Patriots quarterback and husband to Gisele Bündchen called into the Mut & Callahan radio show and described the debauchery of his team’s Sunday night victory celebrations:
“I had a great time. I definitely didn’t get to sleep,” he told the hosts. “It was a great party. It was right at the hotel. I got back, changed, went down, had a lot of friends there. Everyone got to celebrate together. Then we went and watched at the concert a bunch of the performances. We certainly had more drinks than I’ve probably had in a whole year combined in one night. So it was a lot of fun. A lot of fun.”
Drinks? No sleep? Fun? All of this is distressingly out of character for Brady, who usually goes to bed early, and doesn’t consume white sugar, white flour, MSG, coffee, caffeine, olive oil, iodized salt, fungus, dairy, or nightshade vegetables. Will he ever recover, or will his body, once a pristine, immaculate space, collapse in on itself, forcing the Patriots to finally put Gisele in the game, as I suggested last week? Only time will tell.