vanderpump rules

Will the Ice Arrive on Time for Tom Tom’s Party? And Other Worries

Tom Sandoval. Photo: Bravo TV

“DailyMailTV is … huge,” Tom Sandoval says in this week’s Vanderpump Rules, lyingly, about the first group to rent out Tom Tom for a party: DailyMailTV. Yes, the big DailyMailTV party is tomorrow (!) and the Toms have a long to-do list: get ice, pick up the uniforms from the dry cleaners, drive out to James’s house and get him upset for no reason. They have so much time and so little to do — strike that, no wait, don’t strike it!

Luckily, Schwartz is a grown-up now — part-owner of a bar (his lifelong dream) — and as such he was able to complete his main pre-party task: making James mad. Schwartz had to visit James, in person, to help him work on the playlist for his DailyMailTV party DJ set. Vanderpump Rules did not feel the need to provide an explanation for why Schwartz would have to help James with his DJ set, because this show is very economical with its time every week and that is why it is one of the best.

I have a question for you — if you were James’s live-in girlfriend Raquel, would you allow James to write a letter to Lala’s man (the only way to get back on Lala’s good side, as she told him last episode, after belittling their relationship time and time again) in which he apologized for his various sins? This is what we see James attempting to do before Schwartz arrived at his apartment. I’d like to think I would. It’s difficult to imagine yourself in another person’s situation, but I’d like to think I’d want James to remove that weight from his shoulders, and also I’d love to read the doubtlessly very funny final product. (“Dear Randall,” he reads from his notebook during the scene, showing her what he’s written so far. “I basically just want to say that every time I said something disrespectful, and stuff like that, I take it back?”)

Raquel is James’s live-in girlfriend Raquel, however, and she doesn’t want him to write the letter, because she doesn’t want him to be friends with Lala, because she isn’t friends with Lala, and what, she asks, is she going to do while he’s out palling around with Lala? Hang out at home with their dog? (That sounds like a much better option to me, but Raquel says it in a way that infers it is the inferior option.) Okay, James decides: If Raquel feels that way, he won’t apologize to Lala’s man. Okay, fine.

Of course, there is a wrinkle. Schwartz immediately brings up the girls’ weekly See You Next Tuesday replacement, “Girls Night In,” thinking that one week of cool-off time would be enough for James Kennedy — famously reasonable — to have chilled out about Katie getting him fired and taking over his DJ night. And Raquel says she’s thinking about going this week, because the dreaded Billie Lee invited her! Right after James ripped up his letter to Lala’s man! The betrayal! James is PISSED.

(I do think this is rude of Raquel.) (It was not resolved during the episode.)

Anyway, what else? It’s always Jax’s birthday for, like, three Vanderpump Rules episodes, and this season is no different: It’s still Jax’s birthday. He and Brittany go to a lobster restaurant where they chat idly about how it would be cool to sell their beer cheese there. Oh yes, the beer cheese. Next time, they say, they’ll bring samples of the beer cheese. Mm-hm.

Jax tells Brittany that he usually gets two calls on his birthday, from his mom and his dad. He received neither this year; it’s the first birthday he’s had since his father’s death, and he and his mom have been in a fight since he died. The cause of their rift is somewhat unclear, but stems from Jax’s reaction to his parents hiding his dad’s cancer diagnosis from him until the end of his dad’s life. He considers reaching out to her, but shakes his head. “I just feel like she should reach out to me.” he said. “I’m the son.” It is desperately sad. This season of Vanderpump Rules is, in general, desperately sad.

He explains, though, that when he and his mom aren’t fighting, she calls him in the morning and tells him the whole story (“Thirty-nine years ago on this day, it was hot as hell …”) of the day of his birth. And this is — I’m sorry, please pardon me for mentioning — exactly what Lorelai does for Rory on her birthday. Remember??? (“At exactly this time, many moons ago, I was lying in this same position …”) Is Jax’s television’s new Rory? Something for you to consider.

Over at Tom Tom, things are still bad. On the last episode, the Tom Tom crew needed to do a bunch of shit before the DailyMailTV party (get electricity, get water, get gas — a legitimate to-do list, unlike the Toms’ My First To-Do List™) and on this episode: They still need to do all of those things. They get them done, though. Tom Sandoval runs around on the phone frantically ordering ice, Tom Schwartz frantically cleans a toilet, various people around them seem to do work of more import. They get it done.

Except, that is, for the task of getting electricity to the DJ booth. That doesn’t work. Instead, James has to DJ the party from inside of a closet upstairs. He’s in good enough spirits about this, however, and he turns down multiple offers of a cocktail from Jax. Why does Jax continue to offer him cocktails? Jax! He’s allegedly not drinking! Take care of each other, please!
The whole gang is allowed to attend the DailyMailTV party except Kristen, whose invitation was revoked by Lisa at the last minute, citing the fact that she’d like to keep their personal guest list short, as this is not their party, it’s DailyMailTV’s. Again, the whole gang was there except for Kristen. (She stayed home and cried and ate pasta accompanied by her two dogs, which also sounds non-bad.)

The party went fine, the boys were so proud, and Lisa got super drunk, smiling and slurring her happy words in a booth with the Toms at the end of the night, celebrating their success. Hats off to Tom Tom. I hope it continues to exist. Amen.

Tom Tom Throws a Party on Vanderpump Rules