My Yale College Application (Based on Real Achievements)

Here I am. Photo: Getty Images/Getty Images

To whom it may concern:

As an aspiring [?] tennis player for Yale, I would love to go to Yale. It has been my dream school since Rory decided to go there instead of Harvard I was young and loved to study. I am a friendly great student with bad good grades, and I’m also nice good at tennis. My wealthy parents accomplishments have subsidized my prepared me for success success. For example, my parents are rich and you might recognize them if someone gives you a hint about what show they were on I play tennis. Plus, I didn’t even have to take the SATs I took the SATs.

They’ve I’ve attached my application. I greatly appreciate your consideration and look forward to receiving the news that I have been accepted, and that I can proudly attend the Harvard-Yale game that Rory went to with her grandparents on Gilmore Girls, and her mom (Lorelai) accidentally wore a red shirt (red is Harvard’s color and they were rooting for Yale) so Emily (Rory’s grandmother) had to give her a blue coat to cover it, because blue is one of Yale’s colors (as I’m sure you are aware LOL) I just know about.

Please let me know if you have any questions,

[Yale Applicant 1]

Academic Achievements

GPA: 2.6 4.3
SAT: Did not take 1600
ACT: Whatever would be not a great score on it Very close to the highest score you can get
HONORS: N/A Yes — in math, science, etc. Gave up valedictorian spot to sick classmate to boost spirit of sick classmate/entire class.

Athletic Achievements

I do not play sports play tennis very well. According to TENNIS 101: SCORING POINTS & TENNIS SETS, tennis is “a sport where ‘Love’ means zero.” In tennis lingo, then, (which I am always speaking), I have love problems with tennis, ha! And I love (in a non-tennis lingo way) playing tennis an amount much greater than love, in a tennis lingo way! David Foster Wallace famously wrote about the sport.

I was the top tennis player on my high school’s team, and was famously (in certain circles) recruited by Yale for this achievement. Everyone was jealous of my ability but I always told them that it was partly inherited. You can practice all you want but you’re not going to be as good at tennis as I am, basically. It’s tough but I think you have to be that way sometimes, particularly on the tennis court. So please don’t check with any of my teammates they’ll probably be so jealous, haha.

Anyway I remember practicing tennis from early childhood, hitting the ball again and again, just waiting for the moment when a Yale recruiter would approach me and say, “We want you on Yale’s tennis team.” And then it did happen.

To demonstrate, I’ve drawn a tennis racquet:

I could also be very good at: rowing ($300,000), golf ($147,000), dance ($203,000), soccer ($375,000), but probably tennis is best bet/makes most sense?

Achievements Otherwise

When Rory was nervous about her college applications, she did stuff like volunteer for Habitat for Humanity, and she was the student council vice-president, and like … I guess she did a lot of town stuff. And she was on the paper. It’s so crazy, like, Rory was a perfect student and I guess we’re supposed to believe she did all this extra stuff to get into all of the schools she got into (Harvard, Princeton, and Yale), but like, when did she do it? When she was watching movies with her mom? When she was hanging out with Dean? When she was reading? It seems like a lot of time in Gilmore Girls was spent consuming pop culture or just bumming around, and it’s almost not fair because it’s like, I do that stuff but then when am I supposed to study? How did Rory find the time? I guess she was just really smart? It can be sort of frustrating. Like … Jameela Jamil is always talking about how Photoshop is bad, but what about, like, life Photoshop? I think that’s what I would call the portrayal of Rory’s life. I think that’s almost worse than like airbrushing or whatever. Anyway. She was valedictorian and she only came to Chilton partway through her sophomore year.


Letters of Recommendation

To whom it may concern:

Sure yeah, I had [Yale Applicant 1] on the tennis team. She was good. Let me know if that’s enough or you need more. Totally fine to do it, just not sure what you’re looking for. really good.

The Tennis Coach

To whom it may concern:

Haven’t met her but I’m told [Yale Applicant 1] is good at tennis.


Alexis Ohanian

Okay theres my info. Thank you. Again, please let the team me know if you have any questions and I look forward to seeing Rory, Logan, and the whole gang at attending Yale!


[Yale Applicant 1]

My Yale College Application (Based on Real Achievements)