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When Will J.K. Rowling Confirm the Rest of Our Wizard Sex Theories?

J.K. Rowling. Photo: ©Karwai Tang/WireImage/Getty Images

In a feature for the upcoming Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald Blu-ray DVD, Harry Potter author and scammed multi-millionaire J.K. Rowling confirmed that Albus Dumbledore and Gellert Grindelwald had an “incredibly intense” sexual relationship in their youth, the Radio Times reports.

This is not the first time Rowling has offered up bonus information about the Harry Potter universe; she does this so frequently, and so often without being prompted — both on her Twitter feed and on her exhaustively detailed website Pottermore — that it’s become its own genre of internet humor. (i.e., “hagrid … is … pansexual and … he later joined isis.”) This tendency became arguably impossible to parody in January of this year, when the official Pottermore account tweeted that wizards used to shit their pants “wherever they stood” instead of using toilets … until the 18th century. Below, some other theories we have about the extended Harry Potter universe, that we are sure Rowling will confirm or deny, but probably confirm, in due time.

• The Room of Requirements’s main requirement is sex.

• Under his bed, Hagrid keeps a large sketchbook where he draws extremely graphic, erotic images of giantesses.

• Every few weeks, Professors McGonogall, Flitwick, and Sprout get together in McGonagall’s office, light candles, and rub oil all over each other’s naked bodies, before engaging in a long, languorous afternoon of lovemaking. Sometimes Filch joins.

• Those big spiders who live in the forest are poly.

• Once a month, the Knight Bus hosts a sex party called Knight of Play.

• Snape can only finish if someone yanks on his ear and calls him a “disgusting little boy.”

• Yes, duh, obviously wizards have used the Invisibility Cloak to have sex in public. Its creator predicted this, so the fabric not only shields the wearer from death, and the human eye, but it also quickly and effectively absorbs bodily fluids.

• Snitches were originally devised as a Ben Wa Ball–type sex toy.

• Lily and James Potter only ever did missionary. One time, Lily suggested cowgirl, and James wouldn’t speak to her for a week.

• In addition to “Home,” “School,” “Travelling,” and “Mortal Peril,” the Weasley Family Clock includes a previously unmentioned location called “Bone Zone.”

• Nagini and the Sorting Hat were friends with benefits.

J.K. Rowling, please contact us to confirm.

When Will J.K. Rowling Confirm Our Wizard Sex Theories?