college admissions scandal

Oh No — Do I Love Olivia Jade Now?

Olivia Jade. Photo: Olivia Jade/Youtube

The most shocking thing about the ongoing college admissions scandal is not the truth at its core. Though the details are intriguing — fake athletic credentials, Photoshopped images, SAT scores obtained through nefarious means — they serve only to show us what we already knew. Wealth is power; privilege begets privilege; and many of the extremely rich tend to be equal parts evil and so stupid, oh my God.

No, that is not shocking.

The most shocking thing about the ongoing college admissions scandal is, instead: That I have now watched several videos of Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli’s daughter Olivia Jade putting on makeup, or talking through her daily routine, or displaying a “haul” of clothing that she bought from Urban Outfitters.

Oh no.

Her face is wide and beautiful. Her voice is soothing and dull. She sometimes curses under her breath, which I unfortunately find quite charming. I have consumed these videos and they registered in my mind as entertainment. The college admissions scandal of early 2019 has forever changed me — for the much worse.

I will gladly GRWY: for a date, Olivia Jade — unfortunately.

Olivia Jade is, at this point, receiving criticism for having undeserved access to a college education that she completely did not give a shit about at all. “I do want the experience of game days, partying…” she said in a vlog, now infamously. “I don’t really care about school, as you guys all know.” Heh.

And okay, yes — this is bad. But I’d like to point out the fact that Olivia Jade also had an undeserved leg-up in the world of influencing and vlogging. And she’s at least pretty good that! She had so many spon-con deals!!

I particularly like this video, cruelly brought into my life by my own co-worker, where she and her college roommate put on makeup to wear to a college party while answering questions from fans on Twitter. The questions are like, how did you meet? What were your first impressions of each other? Whom would you like to travel with the most out of all of the people you know? (Olivia Jade says her sister and the roommate says her boyfriend.)

It’s great?????????????????????

In this spon-con video for some sort of hair product, Olivia Jade gets ready and makes breakfast, and her boyfriend is there, and she has a pimple:

And have you ever read a string of words more intriguing than “(LUXURY) WHAT I GOT FOR CHRISTMAS 2016”?

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli should have accepted that Olivia Jade was born to influence. Why make her go to school? She hates school! And she doesn’t need it! And going to the college parties only gives her the opportunity to say something terrible that someone is going to video her saying, and blackmail her with in the future! (And in the case of this I reserve the right to redact this post in full!) She was born with a great, wide makeup-canvas of a face, and the drive to show it off for money online. Why not let her use those assets?

They should have given that bribe money to some kid who actually wants to go to school, and brought that kid up in conversation with their rich friends. Olivia Jade is of course busy with the work that somehow makes her a ton of money, ha-ha, and no that video was doctored — but have I told you about so-and-so, and how well they’re doing at such-and-such?

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli could have, then, just been proud of their daughter for being exactly who she is: an influencer spon-con vlogger whose videos have unfortunately entertained me on some level.

Oh No — Do I Love Olivia Jade Now?