rodent rebellion

The Squirrels Have Declared War

This squirrel demands to speak to your manager. Photo: Daxus/Getty Images/iStockphoto

Squirrels, they just want to watch the world burn. They will chase you around like tireless hell hounds, for no reason other than that it amuses them to see you sweat. They will steal the snacks right out of your hands. They will refuse to emotionally support you in your travels, and will instead turn a whole plane-full of your peers against you. They will waggle their enormous breasts at you, the lusty little creeps. They will come streaking through your Olympic snowboarding routine, probably hoping you’ll crash. And sometimes, they will make war on your whole industry, just because they can.

Such is the plight of New England’s sugarmakers, who say that a recent spike in the squirrel population has wreaked havoc on their maple syrup-making operations. According to the Press Herald, the squirrels have been “chomping” through tubing that siphons sap from trees, forcing producers to trudge through deep snow drifts to patch, replace, and move damaged equipment. Lyle Merrifield of Gorham, Maine, has already had to repair 60 spots ravaged by relentless munching, an expensive time-suck when all that accumulation makes holes more difficult to spot. Frustratingly, there seems to be little method to the squirrels’ madness: They just bite and scurry away, before indiscriminately choosing another piece of equipment to destroy. Or maybe what seems random to the untrained human eye is an intentional bid to bamboozle the enemy.

“Occasionally they declare war,” Ruth Goodrich, of Vermont’s Goodrich Maple Farm, told the Press Herald. “And it seems like they have this year.”

The squirrels have no specific demands, only an insatiable thirst for chaos and also syrup. Or, like these murderous chickens and these sexy sprawling seals, they may simply seek to remind us that what we consider to be the natural order of things is a construct they can overturn at will. So, in conclusion, I would like to clarify that it was never my intention to body-shame you, squirrels, for your ample endowment; to me you are perfect, beautiful in every single way.

The Squirrels Have Declared War