This Jean Diaper Is the Secret to My Success

The jean diaper.

As a Busy, Modern Career Woman on the Go, people often wonder how I manage to balance it all. Sure, I could tell you about the glass of purified lemon water I drink first thing in the morning, or about my favorite punishing SoulCycle class. I could even tell you about the 93 minutes I set aside every day for a Transcendental Meditation session with my guru Yröck (it’s pronounced “Jake”). But the true secret to my success?

My Jean Diaper.

Steve Jobs had his black turtleneck. Tom Wolfe had his white suit. I have an adult diaper made entirely out of stiff denim encasing my crotch and restricting most of the blood flow in that area. And get this: it’s not even absorbent.

I can hardly stand to think about my life before I discovered my Jean Diaper. I agonized over what to wear to seem professional and put-together, to be taken seriously. I was constantly running late to meetings. I couldn’t attract a single investor to my start-up idea (Outdoor Voices for birds). I used the bathroom.

Now, I just throw on a crisp white shirt and my $315 Jean Diaper, and I’m out the door. It gives me the confidence I need to tackle challenges with strength, fortitude, and a raging yeast infection. It has pockets! I can’t Lean In, exactly, because I can’t really move my body at all without risking unbearable chafing. Still, my last round of funding was for over $400 million (in bird currency [it’s seeds]). I was just named one of the 69,000 Most Powerful Under the Age of 69. Yes, I am having an affair with Yröck.

But please, don’t be intimidated. Just like you, I put on my Jean Diaper one leg at a time.

This Jean Diaper Is the Secret to My Success