On Sunday night, after Media Matters recirculated old radio clips of Tucker Carlson defending a convicted pedophile and calling women “extremely primitive,” the Fox News host and sentient pair of pleated khakis posted a Notes app non-apology to Twitter, offering anyone who disagrees with his views to come on his show and explain why. Personally, though I disagree with him, I don’t want to do that.
My guess is Carlson’s D.C. studio smells like a potent mix of roast beef, Red Bull, and sweat. Plus: no one should have to “explain” why pedophilia and mouth-foaming misogyny are bad. That being said, Tucker is more than welcome to come to my desk in the New York Media offices, and attempt to explain to me why he’s not a massive, steaming idiot.
I don’t have any extra chairs in my cubicle, so Carlson will have to stand to make his case. If he would like any refreshments, we have vending machines that accept debit and credit cards. Though he usually loves to shout, here he will have to speak quietly, because my neighboring colleagues will be trying to get work done. As he speaks, I will not engage with his points, because they are extremely bad, and there is no real conversation to be had about why defending a pedophile, saying you “love” the image of teen girls experimenting sexually, and calling Britney Spears and Paris Hilton “the biggest white whores in America” is all terrible and wrong. I may, however, point out that he looks like an angry jowl wearing a toupee, or, if he really upsets me, I may tell him that he looks exactly like someone who would be named “Tucker.”
Because he is a guest to my desk, I will not pants him, or “accidentally” spill water on him so it looks like he wet himself, and then make everyone in the office come and look. But I will also not remove my headphones to listen to him spew hate speech, or take him up on his offer to watch his show, because life is precious and short, and there are more enjoyable things I can do with an hour, like getting a root canal. When he appears done, I may simply call him “cunty,” like he called TV host Alexis Stewart.
So, Tucker, my email is firstname.lastname@example.org. Stop by anytime.