As the thin, viscous film that keeps us contained in this dimension begins to burn and tear around us, my fatigued mind finds tremendous peace in reading the Guardian headline “Uri Geller promises to stop Brexit using telepathy.” As I read it, the words began to swirl gently around my smooth brain, engulfing it in a warm hug. Sure, I think, why not?
Geller, 72, is a prominent Israeli-British illusionist and TV personality, known mostly for his work bending spoons, supposedly with his mind. If you would like to learn to bend spoons with your mind, here is a video in which Geller provides instructions:
Why would you need to bend spoons with your mind? I don’t know. It could be a cool party trick, something to whip out during a lull in a conversation. You should probably bring your own set of bending spoons though, as bending a host’s seems really rude.
Okay, back to Brexit. In an open letter to U.K. Prime Minister Theresa May on Friday, posted to Facebook, Geller wrote that he feels “psychically and very strongly that most British people do not want Brexit.”
Geller says he and May have known each other for over 21 years, and reminds her that he predicted her ascent to the position of prime minister three years ago, “when I showed you Winston Churchill’s spoon on my Cadillac, which I asked you to touch.” He also notes that the CIA once said he “demonstrated his paranormal perceptual ability in a convincing and unambiguous manner,” (incredibly, this is true) and claims, “On one occasion, Senator Clayborne Pell, then the chair of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, directed me to bombard the mind of Yuli Vorontsov, the Soviet Union’s chief nuclear negotiator, to influence him telepathically to sign the Nuclear Arms Reduction treaty, which I did successfully.”
After laying out examples of his expertise, Geller tells May, “I love you very much but I will not allow you to lead Britain into Brexit. As much as I admire you, I will stop you telepathically from doing this — and believe me I am capable of executing it.”
As it stands, European Union leaders have agreed to allow Britain’s exit from the E.U., which was originally scheduled to take place on March 29, to be postponed by two weeks. Next week, British MPs are scheduled to vote on May’s proposed withdrawal deal, though, according to the BBC, the vote may not take place because there is not enough support for the plan. And, presumably, because of whatever energy Geller is putting out into the universe.
Until then, let your brain enjoy the warm chaos bath that is the words, “Uri Geller promises to stop Brexit using telepathy.” Ahhhh.