vanderpump rules

Lizard Brain Lizard Brain Lizard Brain

Photo: Bravo

One thing that has dampened the perfection of Vanderpump Rules is the fact that its stars now embody that designation somewhat genuinely.

I’m thinking primarily about Ariana and Tom Sandoval (who recently purchased a multimillion dollar house together) but it goes for most of the cast — this episode saw Lala taking reservations and fretting about how SUR was busy the day before attending the premiere of a real, if bad, slasher movie she starred in, and the rest of the cast busily taking orders from people who, now more than ever, likely came to the restaurant exclusively to see them.

The other problem is that the cast’s real-time exploits are now breathlessly documented in the tabloids and their own social media, so we know that when Lala and Rand fight on the show they’re going to make up, and no matter how hard we try to telepathically communicate to Tom and Ariana that they should not buy a house together when they disagree on what they hope will be the fundamental aspects of their futures (children and no children, respectively), we know there is no use. Vanderpump Rules happens always, which is nice because we always get to watch it, but what are we even watching anymore?

Anyway! When we join our friends this week, Brittany and Katie are making baby bottles with alcohol in them to soothe Lala after her break with Rand. It is a very sweet gesture, though unnecessary. When Lala arrives she immediately informs them that she and Rand are back together. They made up! He apologized and she forgave him. Okay. I suppose the other takeaway from this scene is that Jax has a man cave where he practices drumming (?) and it has a neon sign that says “Jax’s Cave” in it. “It’s basically the fart closet in there,” Brittany says, of the Jax Cave. Let’s not think about it.

I made a note of the brief scene inside of Vanderpump Dogs, which came next in the episode, as the dialogue seemed relevant to recent Vanderpump Dogs news.

Vanderpump Dogs Employee Gesturing to Shampoo Bottles on a Shelf: So the bottles look good?

Lisa Vanderpump: Yeah … whatever we sell here, the profit goes to the center. But ultimately it would be nice to kind of turn it into a business.

Haha, oh. So the bottles look good then?

The episode focused mainly on three relationships: Stassi and Beau, Ariana and Sandoval, and Kristen and Carter. Beau’s mom is coming to visit, and Stassi is excited both because she loves Beau and can’t wait to meet his mom, and because his mom is some sort of relationship … help … expert and, anyway, she’s going to guide the group in a relationship help seminar, which is something we’re told she does often. She seems nice, Beau is nice, Stassi and Beau love each other, Beau’s mom likes Stassi. This is the singular non-depressing dynamic on Vanderpump Rules at the moment, and I am grateful for it.

Ariana and Sandoval … oh, boy. Ariana gets mad at Sandoval because Sandoval discussed the fact that she doesn’t want kids (and he does) with his friends (a billion episodes ago), and his friends (Jax specifically) told him that they should get this sorted out before buying property together. I know he’s a bad source for relationship advice, but even a broken Jax is right once a series. This upsets Ariana because she doesn’t think her desire or lack of desire to have children should be anyone else’s business. That’s true, too. However I do think, to be fair, at this point, just saying, not trying to be a bitch, it is also Tom Sandoval’s business.

It’s coming up again now because they want to move forward on looking for a house to buy together. “There are two things I know for sure,” Ariana says. “I don’t want to have kids and I really, really want people to stop asking me over and over if I want to have kids.” Sandoval really, really does want to have kids, is the issue. Ariana says if it truly is a dealbreaker for him, then he can leave. Sandoval proposes some sort of deal where … in the future … maybe he adopts a kid … and if Ariana wants to be a part of the kid’s life, she can, or he can take care of the kid by himself … and Ariana can have any level of involvement she wants … or Ariana can just leave him, at that point, if she wants?

Ariana agrees happily to this difficult-to-understand deal that she probably imagines won’t come up again, and Sandoval agrees happily to this deal while probably imagining that he will change her mind eventually.

At least they are not Kristen and Carter. Kristen has retreated into her not-good-seeming relationship with Carter because her friends are pressuring her to get out of it, and that is a step she is clearly not ready to take. Instead she has begun to insist that actually, the relationship is much better now, and she’s fine. “If I’m getting married,” she says in a talking head, “it’s going to be to Carter. I’m getting old and I don’t want to be miserable and alone, so I really need the support of my friends.” Well, if you put it that way.

The drama comes to a head during Beau’s mom’s relationship seminar, which took place at Kristen’s apartment and focused on how to deal with being “triggered” in a relationship, and how to stop your “lizard brain” from taking over and controlling how you react. (This unfortunately taught the group the term “lizard brain,” which they used roughly 4,000 times during the remainder of the episode.)

Stassi and Katie confront Carter after the seminar (did they learn nothing?) while Beau’s mom is still in the apartment (Stassi why?) about how he is cruel to Kristen. He says, actually, Kristen only gets mad at him because they’re cruel to Kristen. He rightly points out that everyone else, save for Stassi, is in a relationship that probably should have ended, so … why can’t they also be in a relationship that should end, and just be supported? I can at least see his reasoning.

The seminar ended angrily.

The only other thing is that Brittany had all of her wisdom teeth taken out. I bring it up because the group came to wish her well, and I cannot believe Scheana didn’t bring up — at least in a talking head! — the time when she had a tooth thing and nobody even texted her. Remember that? Scheana, come on!

On Vanderpump Rules, Everyone Gets Emotionally Triggered