vanderpump rules

Oh No, Lala

Photo: Bravo TV

This episode was too stressful. I can take a little screaming, but screaming the whole time? Nonstop screaming? That’s too much screaming. I need to do ten extra minutes of cool-down meditation to return my shoulders to their regular level of tense after this episode. It’s too much. Tom Sandoval, please Venmo me for one month of Headspace ($12.99).

To begin, James is so mad that he can’t go to Mexico with the rest of the group for the Tom Tom honeymoon. (Is “immediately after you open your business” the right time to take a big vacation to celebrate the opening of your business? It’s not for me to say.) If you remember from last week, the Toms invited James on the vacation even though they knew all of the women wouldn’t want him there. When the women found out — particularly Katie — they put the kibosh on the invite, giving the Toms the unfortunate task of telling him so. He did not take it well, screaming and cursing at everybody in Tom Tom, including Lisa. And Ken!

James’s girlfriend Raquel is also mad about the Mexico situation. (Apparently James’s invite covered her as a +1.) She’s mad mostly on James’s behalf, she says, but she points out that she wants to be friends with this group of people and that James is making it difficult for her. Damn. Maybe she should have thought about that before choosing James as the cast member to date. At least if she dated Kristen she would have been trapped in a bad relationship forever out of Kristen’s fear of dying alone!

Though I guess socializing within the group is, at this point, also difficult for Kristen. At least she made up with Katie at the enchiladas girls’-night party Scheana held at her dreaded Marina del Rey apartment. (Stassi, Katie, and Kristen came over for enchiladas; that SUR barback Scheana is having sex with was also there.) Now maybe Katie and Stassi will just allow Kristen to remain miserable in her bad relationship in peace. Hooray.

In another sad bright spot for Kristen, Lisa is going to begrudgingly allow her to go Tom Tom’s big opening night party as a guest of the Toms (specifically not as a guest of hers). Hooray. To ask Lisa for this kindness, Kristen wore, to SUR, a tiny baby-sized romper that barely covered her boobs. It was, I think you’ll agree, too reminiscent of when she wore that green dress to pick up her mail from Sandoval’s apartment in season three.

Eventually, the main focus of this episode was Lala. Oh, and Brittany’s stomach issues. She has ulcers and needs to not drink while they heal, but she’s not gonna not drink, because she’s going to Mexico in a few days. I fear for her tummy. But back to Lala. Lala is not doing well. Oh, Lala. Oh, gosh. Oh no.

Early in the episode, during a recording session, Lala admits to Ariana and Stassi that she is “road raging through life” right now. She’s still trying to sort through the death of her father (it’s only been about four months at this point) and her pain is coming out as anger, primarily directed toward Billie Lee, James, and Raquel.

While wearing a dupe of Jennifer Lopez’s 2000 Grammy Awards dress, for some reason, Lala rolls up to SUR’s Billie Lee brunch (Billie Lee, relatively new SUR server, throws a brunch party at SUR every weekend, and this week James is DJing). She shows up to, I guess, perform her job as SUR hostess, but we only see her screaming. It is …  not a good look for Lala.

First, she screams at Billie Lee. I sort of don’t know why. I guess because she showed up ready to scream, and Billie Lee was there. Billie Lee tells her that she is unsure about her character (as a person, she explains, she’s allowed to pass this judgment) (okay) and Lala tells her she’s a bitch, or something, and storms off.

Then she screams at Raquel — “a Bambi-eyed BITCH!” as you might remember from the season preview — after she overhears her telling another woman that Lala is unfairly taking the anger she feels about her father’s death out on everyone else. The truth hurts, and sometimes you just have to say it within earshot of a volatile cast member while you’re all being filmed for your TV show. Lala takes her outside and screams at her about how she’s stupid, and she’s never liked her, and she shouldn’t talk about her dad.

(The most unfortunate part about all of these Lala screaming bouts is that I feel she had the opportunity to make a decent argument, or at least get in some decent burns, but she does not. The shouting is mostly just telling people they’re a bitch and then storming away. Though I will admit “Bambi-eyed bitch” is very good.)

Next, she screams at James, who comes over to tell her that it was not okay for her to scream at Raquel. Incredibly, we, as viewers, must take the side of James. Lala says the best thing that will ever happen to him is having sex with Lala — using the third person, as is Lala’s way — and she says something about how he’s DJing at SUR while she’s “charting on iTunes.” (Oddly, a verifiable claim.) It is very uncomfortable.

Plus, it gives Tom Sandoval the opportunity to point out that Lala screamed at all of these people while ostensibly at SUR to do her job — something that James would get fired for, if it were him. Sandoval, I know you’re right, but please give it a rest. Do you not see how James’s employment at SUR is tied to his sobriety? Do you not see that Lisa seems to be actually trying to help him, maybe? Tom Sandoval? Please Venmo me for Headspace!

Next week we’ll see, finally, the opening of Tom Tom. Thank God!

This Week, Vanderpump Rules Was 100 Percent Screaming