Several years into the McConaissance, 2019 has brought us two new, wildly disparate roles for Matthew McConaughey. In Serenity, which may be the greatest so-bad-it’s-good movie of the decade, he plays Baker Dill — a dark and brooding fisherman whose primary obsession in life is catching a giant tuna fish, until he’s tapped to commit a murder on behalf of his ex-wife. He also stars in Harmony Korine’s new movie The Beach Bum, which approximates the experience of taking your brain surfing for 90 minutes straight. As Moondog, he’s a hedonistic layabout Florida poet who’s basically the essence of the hang-loose emoji on PCP.
He may be portraying very different men, but in both he lives a fairly chill life by the ocean. So behold, the only internet quiz that dares to ask the question: Which Matthew McConaughey beach man are you?
1. What are you wearing today?
a. A classic white T-shirt.
b. Something more, uh, colorful.
2. Pick your poison.
a. Rum drunk out of a “World’s Greatest Dad” mug.
b. Weed, tallboys, acid, gratuitous sex, Zac Efron’s vape …
3. What color is your cat?
4. Who’s your ideal love interest?
a. Karen (Anne Hathaway), your ex-wife who’s married to a terrible new husband and reappears suddenly to ask you for an unspeakable favor (it’s murder).
b. Minnie (Isla Fisher), your beloved wealthy wife who lives in a Miami mansion and overlooks your various indiscretions.
5. Where do you want to live?
a. Plymouth Island, a tiny and mysterious landmass that may or may not exist.
b. The Florida Keys, baby!
6. What would you name your boat?
b. Well Hung.
7. What’s your central tension in life?
a. Catching an elusive tuna fish named … wait for it … “Justice.”
b. Overcoming writer’s block to publish the next great American novel.
8. On a scale of one to ten all rights, how McConaughey are you?
a. Two tortured, whispered “all rights” in the dead of night.
b. Eleven “all rights” drawled through a megaphone made out of a Miller Lite can from the back of a pickup truck in Texas.
Mostly A’s: You’re Baker Dill in Serenity. You’re moody and pensive and can get unhealthily fixated on the metaphorical tuna fish in your life.
Mostly B’s: You’re Moondog in The Beach Bum. You’re here for a good time, not a long time.