Gather ‘round, friends, for I have uncovered the secret to Oprah Winfrey’s staggering success, the reason she can afford to own half-a-dozen megamansions. Oprah, according to Oprah, never buys avocado toast, the notorious money pit into which millennials pour the funds they should be saving for home-ownership.
Oprah apparently keeps the makings of avocado toast on her person at all times, or so she told late night host Trevor Noah in a recent between-the-scenes segment:
“I travel with my own bread and I bring my own avocados. I have my own avocado orchard. I think it’s ridiculous to pay for avocados.”
Now, as I’m sure you’ll be aware, deadbeat millennials can’t afford to buy houses because, at least according to one Australian billionaire, we’re constantly dropping “$19 on smashed avocado.” Our insatiable hunger for 22-ingredient toast is the sole reason — there are no others, forget what you’ve heard about the baby boomers! — for our failure to launch financially. We literally eat our savings.
Oprah, by contrast, reportedly owns between six and eight lavish homes, sprawling estates into which a person could probably wedge six to eight regular-sized homes, if Oprah allowed. She boasts a net worth of roughly $2.5 billion. She presides over a self-made media empire and an extremely famous book club. She can afford to give everyone in the audience a new car, and/or any number of random items from her annual list of favorite things. She could probably be president, only she doesn’t want to. Oprah requires no last name and no introduction, and while the Australian scold did not say anything about what buying one’s own avocado orchard does to one’s future investing potential, I cannot imagine anyone suggesting that Oprah is doing money wrong.