vanderpump rules

[Crying] ‘My Body Looks Awesome in This’

Photo: Bravo TV

It’s sad to know there are some things we will just not experience. No matter how hard we work, no matter what road our lives take, some things are closed to us. We will never have [some example, reader’s choice], we will never do [another one of your own examples]. And we will never go to the wedding-dress shop with Brittany and the rest of the girls from Vanderpump Rules to watch Brittany try on dresses for her wedding to Jax (one of my examples), because that already happened and we weren’t there. It’s so sad — for us and Raquel.

Brittany and Jax’s families are in town for their engagement party, which will happen on next week’s (finale) episode. This week, they do various other things together. First up was some sort of fast-food pancake breakfast — wherein Brittany and Jax took the pancakes from their plastic takeout shells, arranged them on plates, and never explained why they didn’t just make pancakes, which had to have been a less expensive and, in certain ways, easier option — with Brittany’s family and Jax. Brittany’s mom gave a little speech about how she won’t give up on Jax’s relationship with Brittany, and Jax has retrieved his father’s ashes, which are in a small paper box, so his father could hear the speech, too. “We have to get you something nice to put them in,” Brittany commented about the ashes in the paper box. For better or for worse, she will be a good wife to Jax.

At the wedding-dress try-on session, we heard over and over again that Brittany is “literally getting married in a castle” and wants a “fairy-tale wedding.” She needs a fairy-tale dress for this, obviously, and tried on several that look very beautiful on her, while the rest of the girls had Champagne and watched. I’m so jealous. Did they not need some sort of journalist to embed and report on this? Why was I not invited? I believe the dress she liked the most was in a poufy, off-the-shoulder-style. “My body looks awesome in this,” she said through tears. It did.

At the shop, Brittany told Katie privately that she would be her “matron of honor,” because she had already chosen a maid of honor (one of her friends from home), and Katie is married, so for there to be an “of honor,” it would have to be matron. I’m not sure why Brittany needs two of these, but I assume it’s because one of them has to be from the show, and I’m happy for her, and I love female friendship. Later, Brittany hosted a sort of … bridesmaid-reveal luncheon at Pump for Katie and the rest of her bridal party. The women of the cast (minus Raquel and Lala and Billie Lee), plus a few of her hometown friends, opened little boxes that surprised them with the fact that they would be bridesmaids — OMG! — and included several other trinkets that I have to assume no one wanted, no offense. A handkerchief that said “No Ugly Crying,” for example. A re-creation of the rose under glass from Beauty and the Beast, for some reason. Stassi pointed out in a talking head that the movie was, at least, appropriate for their marriage, which is true.

Jax’s sister and her husband are also in town for the engagement party. Their mom is not coming; they are still struggling with the fact that their mom did not tell them about their dad’s illness until it was too late for them to say good-bye. In a tender moment (at a tattoo parlor before they each got tattoos in their dad’s handwriting) (Jax brought the box of ashes), Jax asks his sister if she thinks there’s any way their dad, maybe, told their mom not to tell them. The consensus is that, even if he did, they would have liked to have been there with him in the ICU. It’s fair, but I also feel for Jax’s mom. I imagine it is very difficult to lose both your husband and your relationship with your children at once. I have a lot of empathy for the entire Jax family, which is part of the reason why this show must end.

While the episode was mainly Jax- and Brittany-focused, the other cast members also sort of did things. James scheduled another meeting with Lisa (her response to hearing that James wanted to talk to her was: “Oh my God, James always wants to talk to me,” which I liked very much) to tell her about an idea he had for the DJ night (“C U Next Tuesday”) from which he is fired. (The idea was to have an “astrology laser” to make it like a “space party,” which you understand as well as I do.) Lisa explained to him that he does not have this job anymore, and she does not know why he continues to schedule meetings with her. He did not take this well. She tells him he needs to legitimately stop drinking (“You are a person who should never have a drink in his life”) and that she won’t bend on giving him back his DJ night until he does. He says this is the last time he’ll ask for the DJ night back. We’ll see!

What else? Oh, Ariana is mad at Lisa because she keeps sort of belittling the Toms in interviews and in conversation. (In this episode, she was like, Why did Schwartz give me a briefcase full of cash instead of a cashier’s check? And in an interview, she responded to a question about whether the Toms had been working hard with the fact that they’d just gotten back from a trip to Mexico.) Ariana says she’s going to confront her about it at the engagement party. Incredible planning that I love.

Finally, the male members of Brittany’s family — her three brothers and father — had a meal with Jax at Tom Tom. Brittany’s father is not sold on the idea of Jax but understands that Brittany has chosen him and is thus attempting to accept it. Brittany’s brothers feel the same. “Talking to Brittany, it seems she really cares for you,” one of them said. “I don’t know why, given the things you’ve done to her. But if you screw up, your life will be a living hell.” I love brothers!!!! Jax tells them that he has to take care of himself before anyone else, and — after they tell him to at least just make sure he makes Brittany happy — points out that she also has to make him happy. Oh, God. Brittany, it’s not too late to get out of this. I’ll help you! Just please invite me the next time you try on wedding dresses!!!

Next week: the engagement-party season finale, oh, no! C U Next Then.

Jax Has Some Pre-Wedding Drama With Brittany’s Family