As early spring turns to late spring, so too does Jax turn to Jason. Yes, it is time to say good-bye to the past and to welcome new life. The trees are green, the air is getting warmer, and everyone is tentatively excited for Brittany because it seems like possibly maybe Jax has potentially really changed this time, maybe for good, though to say so in definite terms would be a step too far. To everything turn, turn, turn, and turn, and too, go the wheels of the party bus to the Inn of the Seventh Ray, a party venue in Topanga, California, where Brittany and Jason (né Jax) are holding their engagement party. Please pile in and do a beer funnel on the in-bus stripper pole.
Some background — Scheana and her friend with benefits Adam (a SUR server from Scranton, Pennsylvania) are in a fight. She has been trying to get this man to be her boyfriend for the entire season, but, as he told her in the past, and as we saw it in a flashback this week, he doesn’t want to be her boyfriend, but he does want to hook up with her, and he wants to be able to see other girls, but he doesn’t want her to see any other guys. Very fair! His empty head and blandly pretty face definitely seem worth this abject humiliation. Alas, last week Scheana slept with another guy, and Adam is mad. This makes Scheana sad.
To remedy the situation, Scheana “adopted” a penguin from the local zoo for Adam, and named it “Spot,” because Adam likes penguins. I do not know the significance of “Spot.” (This is a thing zoos do to raise money; you don’t actually adopt an animal, you donate money and pick a name and they give you a certificate.) (The Bronx Zoo lets you do it with roaches for Valentine’s Day.) She presents this fact to Lala and Kristen as if she actually adopted a penguin for him, and they’re like, You … adopted … a penguin?! It is unclear if Scheana also actually thinks she adopted a penguin. Regardless, she did not actually adopt a penguin, but she did donate money to a zoo, which is either good or bad depending on your opinion of zoos. Will the certificate noting her donation, as well as her chosen penguin name (“Spot”), be enough to win him back?
The whole gang takes a party bus to Topanga. Scheana and Adam aren’t speaking, which is tense, but also who really cares about Scheana and Adam? It’s extremely B-level drama, no offense to penguins. Mostly everyone is chill. The engagement party is “enchanted forest”–themed, and it truly does look nice, with romantic lighting, florals, and dramatically draped fabric.
The main drama of this engagement party, teased last week, was Ariana’s confrontation with Lisa Vanderpump about how she treats Tom and Tom like jokes. Ariana is like (paraphrasing), They’re your partners, why won’t you respect them? And Lisa is like (paraphrasing), Because they’re fuckin’ jokes. It is very sweet that Ariana wants Sandoval to be treated like a big boy, but the dynamic of Tom Tom as a business is that the Toms are jokes and Lisa Vanderpump is their hot mean mommy. The Toms play into this dynamic happily, and notably do so at the end of this episode when they force Lisa to funnel a beer. It’s fine. I don’t believe Lisa will change the dynamic based on her conversation with Ariana, but the conversation at least ended in peace, and, well. Whatever!
The other drama is Scheana is sobbing, oh my lord. She and Adam sit down for a talk and Adam, like, screams at her for having sex with that other guy last week, or whenever it was in the real-world equivalent of the show’s timeline? He screams at her about this in the middle of the party? This dude sucks. Don’t yell, you jerk. You’re at an engagement party. Yes, the engagement party is merely a backdrop for drama on a television show, but not your drama. We don’t care about you. Shut up! It is hard to understand why Adam is so upset. He doubles down on his desire to not be in a relationship with Scheana. (“Do you love me?” she asks over and over, “No!” he says finally. “Answer the question,” she says awkwardly, after he just told her no. “I just did: no.” Yikes!!!!!) And then he storms off. Okay. Like. Why are you mad? You don’t want to date her? Leave her alone? I don’t get it. That guy sucks. Kristen rushes to Scheana’s aid and it is revealed … (truly) … that she didn’t even get the chance to show him the penguin-adoption certificate. Damn. We are left to wonder what could have been, had she only been able to show him that penguin-adoption certificate.
Otherwise everything is fine. Stassi and Beau are beaming with love; Lisa is happy for them, as are we all. Katie and Tom are, you know, fine. Everyone is sort of happy for Brittany, but also a little worried, but also trying to communicate to her family that they do believe Jax maybe will be good to her. What else? Nothing, really. Stassi looked pretty.
Back at SUR, James Kennedy and Raquel had dinner alone, during which they talked about how James has to figure out a way for them to get invited to Jax and Brittany’s wedding. James professed his love for Raquel — saying that even if he has lost everything else, which he has, he at least has Raquel, which is all he needs — in what was clearly either James’s or someone else’s idea of a way to give James some closure at the end of the season. Raquel was like, Okay, I hope so! Heh. They also talked about how they’ll likely get married, and Raquel said that she does want to marry him, but she does not want to have a job. “Women today …,” she began to say, before the couple was brought their check, very sadly cutting her thought short. What about women today? It is an incredible cliffhanger.
And thus ended another season of Vanderpump Rules. You know it was our time; these were the best days of our lives. So raise your glasses high. This one’s for them tonight.
See you at the reunion episodes!