why is this a thing

This Summer, Be a Cow

Burberry, a cow, and Eckhaus Latta spring 2019. Photo: Shutterstock

Earlier this spring, I was driving down a highway in upstate New York when suddenly I spotted some cows. They were so much bigger and more majestic than I remembered. One lay smack in the mud, its thin legs tucked elegantly under its gargantuan frame. Another ate from a trough. Some just stood there, doing nothing at all.

“I want to be a cow,” I whispered under my breath as we drove away.

It’s not like I’d never seen a cow before. But these particular cows seemed so profoundly chill, unbothered by the fact that they lived in patch of dirt on the side of a highway. They don’t get the Sunday Scaries, or worry about the fact that they torpedoed their beach body two weeks before going to Miami by eating both a biscuit and a double-chocolate doughnut in the span of an hour. Moooooooooooooooo!

I ask you: Who doesn’t want to be a cow? As the spring/summer season approaches, I sense that the answer is no one. I say this not only because everyone is burnt out and desperate to graze, but also because everyone is dressing like a cow. Meghan Markle wore cow-print heels in January. Kylie Jenner wore a cow-print bathing suit on vacation. Ariana Grande and Kendall Jenner both painted their nails in a cow print. I recently advised a friend to return something she ordered because it was “too cow.”

On the spring 2019 runways, Eckhaus Latta used tie-dye to create a cow print and Burberry similarly showed an illusion of leather. If Carrie Bradshaw were still on the air today, I’m absolutely positive she would walk into brunch and tell Miranda she’d “Moooved on” from Mr. Big.

The cow trend arguably hit the mainstream last summer, when the music video for “Mooo!” by Dojo Cat went viral. The song includes lyrics like “Bitch, I’m a cow.” And “I ain’t bothered, get slaughtered.” You know, instant classic stuff.

This was followed by a more general animal-print resurgence. Leopards and zebras and snakes crowded out the more humble cow for a period of time. Aesthetically speaking, they were more maximal, and therefore more of-the-moment. But this is precisely why the cow print is back. It’s got more personality than black-and-white polka-dots, but is still the most minimal of all the animal prints. The pendulum has swung, and cows are coming out on top. Not coincidentally, cow print also goes well with your bolo tie and Gucci cowboy hat. Cows, like horses, are soldiers of the “yeehaw agenda.”

Starting right now, I’m going to wear cow print ‘till I can’t no more. Join me.

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This Summer, Be a Cow