Warning: This post contains spoilers about Game of Thrones season eight, episode three.
To watch Game of Thrones is to be subjected to an expected amount of brutality every week. And there were plenty of such wrenching, heartbreaking moments during Sunday night’s episode, “The Last of the Starks.” But first, viewers had to endure a different kind of suffering: the most painful party scene in recent television memory.
The episode opens at Winterfell, where the living have just narrowly won the war against the White Walkers and the Army of the Dead. After saying farewell to the ones they lost, they congregate in the Great Hall for a combination Funeral/We’re All Still Alive Party. (This is their first mistake. Pick a theme and stick to it!!!) The vibe, overall, is terrible. It starts out awkward, everyone drinks too much to offset the awkwardness, tensions inevitably run high, people storm out, and somebody is definitely crying their mascara off in the bathroom and sending texts they’re going to regret in ten hours.
Let’s review:
• Before Dany names Gendry the Lord of Storm End’s, she puts him on the spot in front of everyone with a fake-out confrontation. Has anyone told her to be less of herself for just one single second?
• Tyrion tries to chat up Bran, who’s sitting alone in the corner. Bran: [takes one hit] “I don’t really want anymore. You shouldn’t envy me. Mostly I live in the past.” We get it, Bran. You like the smell of old books, hate small talk, and describe yourself as a “proud introvert” in your Twitter bio.
• The Westeros version of “Never Have I Ever” that Tyrion, Brienne, Jaime, and Podrick are playing takes a turn for the hurtful when Tyrion puts Brienne on the spot for being a virgin …
• … all while Tormund, who’s completely wasted, tries to get with Brienne for the 400th time. She chooses Jaime instead (that bowl cut fucks), causing Tormund to go crying to the Hound about the rejection, only to get his mood instantly lifted when he finds someone else to hook up with. (Triggering.)
• The Hound brings up all of Sansa’s worse traumas over the course of a one-minute-long conversation. Have none of these people been to a party before?
• Arya’s off sullenly practicing archery outside when Gendry — all high on Lordship — decides to shoot his shot and ask her to be his wife after they’ve had sex exactly one time. This, obviously, did not go over well.
• Dany goes to Jon’s room and tries to get him to sleep with her again even though she knows they’re aunt and nephew by now, and then immediately gets mad at him instead.
They all then presumably spent the next day ordering Seamless from bed and sending “sorry if i was weird last night lol” texts.
