The Mystery of the Sky Penis Has Been Solved


When the enormous outline of a dick in the style of dive-bar-bathroom-door art appeared in the skies above Washington State in 2017, onlookers were understandably curious to know how it got there. Did someone draw it? Was God faintly aroused? Did space aliens happen?

Someone drew it.

The Navy Times reported on Monday that after a protracted investigation they’d determined the sky erection was the handiwork of two junior officers belonging to Electronic Attack Squadron 130 who “had time to kill and noticed that the white contrails their jet produced were particularly robust that afternoon.”

Those officers, being junior and all, reportedly hadn’t counted on the contrails lingering long enough for people on the ground to notice. But notice they did, and the sky penis became the focus of the internet and the butt of its jokes, prompting the squadron to send an urgent message to their bosses saying, “Aircrew maneuvered an EA-18G aircraft in a pattern that resulted in contrails depicting an obscene symbol when viewed from the ground. Media attention is expected.”

The squadron commanding officer reportedly later praised the pilot as an “introvert” and a “whiz kid,” a private genius, if you know what I mean. The commanding officer went on to describe the pilot’s partner as “my best junior officer.” Their names are redacted from the report given to the Navy Times, but at least they know they’re the best and the brightest.

And so do we, because in the transcript of their recorded conversation, we can see that the following exchange took place, per the Times’ report:

“Draw a giant penis,” the [electronic warfare officer] said. “That would be awesome.”

“What did you do on your flight?” the pilot joked. “Oh, we turned dinosaurs into sky penises.”

“You should totally try to draw a penis,” the EWO advised.

“I could definitely draw one, that would be easy,” the pilot boasted. “I could basically draw a figure eight and turn around and come back. I’m gonna go down, grab some speed and hopefully get out of the contrail layer so they’re not connected to each other.”

“Dude, that would be so funny.”

Their minds.

The Mystery of the Sky Penis Has Been Solved