We are so lucky to have these reunion episodes. I feel like I could watch 100 more. I wish they were two hours long. I wish they were the same length as the latest Avengers movie. I wish now that the Avengers franchise is over, Hollywood would make several three-hour-long movies per year about the cast of Vanderpump Rules sitting around screaming at each other — while trying to save the world. Lisa Vanderpump can be the main hero in charge. James Kennedy is one of the villains. Andy Cohen is the guy who owns the hero group, and you’re not sure if he’s a good guy or a bad guy. And once that is a success, Hollywood can make the Vanderpump Secret History movie I’ve already outlined. It’s perfect!
But for now, we have only our reunion episodes, and this one was even more James-focused than the last. Let’s recall the five most memorable moments together, shall we?
5. The Houses
Three couples and one non-couple — Sandoval and Ariana, Katie and Schwartz, Jax and Brittany, and Kristen — all bought houses within about a mile of each other, an idea that gives me anxiety to even consider. Why do you need to be so close? Don’t you want privacy? Don’t you not want Jax coming over unannounced? Does this mean they’re going to start having babies? Andy Cohen went ahead and asked. Brittany and Jax said absolutely, as soon as possible. The rest of the cast was less forthcoming. Ariana said she will never answer a question about whether she will have a baby again because she hates the question and feels it is sexist. Good for you, Ariana.
4. The Revealing of Hookup Details
Earlier this season, Tom Sandoval told the rest of the male cast members that Ariana and Lala hooked up in the backseat of his car while he was driving. Ariana was, understandably, pissed that he would spread her business around without her consent. She has since forgiven him, however, and during the episode Ariana, Lala, and Sandoval revealed more details about the hookup:
• Sandoval had just spent “eight hours” car shopping and had just purchased the new car in which he’d picked up Ariana and Lala.
• Those two were wasted and had almost gotten into a fight at the bar from which they were retrieved.
• Lala was wearing a bikini and a mesh cover-up.
• Sandoval was pissed off at Ariana and Lala, mainly because he wanted to stop driving and go somewhere and get a beer — but they wanted him to keep driving so they could keep hooking up.
• Lala asked Sandoval’s permission before going down on Ariana.
Now we know!
This, of course, led to discussion about another rumored woman-on-woman hookup. In the fifth season of Vanderpump Rules, Jax spread a rumor that he walked in on Kristen going down on Brittany, who was his girlfriend at the time. (Now, of course, she is his fiancée.) The rumor eventually made its way to Lisa Vanderpump, and Brittany expressed anger and humiliation. She and Kristen always denied the incident occurred — and Jax is a liar — however, it sort of seemed like, you know, everyone kind of thought it probably did happen.
After some Andy Cohen prodding, Brittany admitted that she does remember making out with Kristen and “touching boobs.” She maintains, though, that she does not remember Kristen going down on her. (Yeah right, in my opinion.) (Kristen did not chime in to clear things up either way.)
3. Lady Gaga Saw Brittany’s Boobs
As you know, Lady Gaga somewhat recently made an appearance at Tom Tom as Lisa Vanderpump’s guest. Jax said that when he talked to her, Gaga asked if she could see Brittany’s boobs. Brittany was not there, sadly (“I would have flashed her!” she said), so Jax claims he asked Lady Gaga if a photo on his phone would suffice. Allegedly, Lady Gaga saw Brittany’s boobs on Jax’s phone, complimented them, and asked who Brittany’s doctor was.
2. James’s “Uppers”
Sandoval told James that he’s only a real asshole when he mixes alcohol with “other stuff.” What other stuff? asked James, as if we are to believe that he doesn’t do any other stuff. Weed? “No, like … uppers,” said Sandoval somewhat sheepishly. James was aghast! Uppers? Who? Him? James?! Heavens, no!
I’d also like to add here that I loved when James claimed he’d “sold out” every one of his See You Next Tuesday performances at SUR, only to have it pointed out for him that they were not ticketed events. He was simply DJing at a restaurant. “Well, I could have!” he said, and added that he did, at least, sell out his supply of James Kennedy T-shirts.
1. James Kennedy Is in Shambles Over Here
At the beginning of the episode, while the cast took a brief break to calm down from the point where we left off last week (a break during which Jax repeatedly told Tom Sandoval, who had been defending James, that he could not be his best man if he didn’t want to be his best man anymore), James sat and cried with Lisa. “I’m in shambles over here,” he said. It introduced, admittedly, a heavily anti-James segment of the reunion.
The rest of the cast, except for Tom Sandoval (who repeatedly jumped in to defend him), took umbrage at a number of things James did this season. They were, of course, mad at him about how he repeatedly called Katie fat, and tweeted about Lala and Jax’s deceased fathers, but more interestingly, they were angry at how James was portrayed this season. They don’t buy his struggle with sobriety (saying that he’s an asshole even when he’s sober), or that we’re meant to pity him about the fact that he has to support his family monetarily. Stassi said that everyone on the cast supports their family, and they just don’t talk about it — unlike James, who talks about it all the time. (Andy Cohen pointed out that it was, at least, compelling television.) (An extremely Andy Cohen observation.) (And true!)
If I’m being honest, which I always am, I could not help but pity James. He is a true piece of shit, but it was difficult to watch seven people scream at him about it all at once, toppling over each other to say that they deserve pity too, for such and such, and where is their pity? They deserve to be thought of as kind to their families, too; they just would never speak publicly about their various familial kindnesses (but also if James is being thought of as being kind to his family, why aren’t they also thought of as being kind to their families)? There are no winners here. Except, well, James! Sort of.
P.S.: I Hated the Part With the Motorcycle
In a staged scene, Andy Cohen asked for a ride on Tom Sandoval’s motorcycle, which Tom “happened” to have “outside,” and the motorcycle proceeded to break down during their ride. (It was a callback to when the motorcycle ran out of gas while the Toms were on the way to the opening of Tom Tom.) I’m here for drama and yelling — not comedy sketches, thanks. I feel as if I am owed at least seven more minutes of yelling.
Okay. See you next Reunion Day, the final one!