Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go. So make the best of this raise your glasses high; it’s not a question, but this one’s for you tonight.
That is of course a mashup of Green Day’s “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” and the Vanderpump Rules theme song, in honor of the final episode of Vanderpump Rules’ seventh season. I came up with it, and I think it’s very good, especially because the third part of the three-part Vanderpump Rules reunion has come and gone. It is now time to say “good riddance (time of your life)” to our best friends. Before we do, though, let’s count down our top five favorite moments from the episode.
5. The Update on Scheana’s Penguin Gift
If there is one person I care about a negative amount on Vanderpump Rules it is Adam, Scheana’s soulless Ken doll friend-with-benefits who knows he wants to be D-level famous but who can’t figure out how to be D-level compelling, even as a villain. (I care about Scheana slightly more.) But if there is one sheet of paper I care about on Vanderpump Rules so much that I would welcome it as a cast member (perhaps replacing Billie Lee?) it is Scheana’s penguin “adoption” certificate, which she bought for Adam as a surprise because he likes penguins.
As you remember, Scheana did not get a chance during the season to present Adam with her penguin certificate gift. Although she brought it with her to Brittany and Jax’s engagement party to give to him there (I don’t know why), Adam was so angry at her for sleeping with another guy (even though Adam isn’t her boyfriend and never will be, and even though he sleeps with other people, too) that he stormed away from their conversation, and the certificate opportunity never presented itself.
Well, Scheana gave it to him the next day, as she told Andy Cohen, and she says “it worked.” So does that mean he is her boyfriend now? No, he is not. They are still “best friends” who have sex. So in what capacity did it “work”? Unclear. I guess she means he forgave her. And, she claims, he agreed to go down on her during their make-up sex, something he had always refused to do in the past. Hooray for Scheana and Adam, and hooray, of course, for the penguins.
P.S. I was curious about why she named the penguin “Spot” and now I’m positive it’s because that’s Adam’s last name: Adam Spott. (I came across Adam’s full name in passing and put it together.) (So I guess the penguin is “Spott,” then.) A fact I’ll never forget.
4. Patrick Cheated on Stassi
We now know that Stassi’s horrific ex-boyfriend from last season, the dreaded Patrick, cheated on her. She told the group — after mentioning it on her podcast, which none of the cast listened to, so it was a surprise to them, which is relatable — that she found out while she was using his computer and discovered some explicit text messages, I assume on his iMessage, from another girl. That is exactly how Gwen Stefani discovered Gavin Rossdale was cheating on her. And how one of my friends found out his girlfriend was cheating on him! Maybe if you want to cheat you should find someone with an Android.
Anyway, no duh, of course Patrick was cheating on her. He is an enormous piece of shit who told Lisa she had a nice ass, and we all hated him and continue to hate him. She said she stayed with him after she found out he cheated on her because she was ashamed to have taken him back (they were on-again-off-again for a few years) and didn’t want to break up with him again so quickly. Ugh, I hate Patrick. But I love Beau, and speaking of:
3. Beau Was in an Independent Film With Kristen — and They Kissed!
Andy Cohen shared with the cast and audience a clip from an independent movie Kristen and Beau were featured in ten years ago, which included a scene of them making out on the beach. “Did anything more ever happen between you two?” Cohen asked, rudely. Come on, man. Stop trying to stir up shit — not with Beau! Of course, they said nothing more ever did.
While we’re here, I want to take the side of Stassi in a drama that was relitigated during the reunion episode. While the cast was on vacation in Mexico, they went out to a club where all of the girls danced together on a platform above the crowd. Stassi didn’t want to go, and Beau tried to convince her, and she got angry. The cast and Andy Cohen uniformly took the side of Beau when the fight came up, saying Stassi should have just gone up on the platform and “had fun.” Stassi says she was wearing Spanx that she had cut a hole into so she could pee, and she wasn’t feeling sexy, and she didn’t want the crowd looking up at her Spanx, and that Beau should have left it alone after she said she didn’t want to do it. I agree with Stassi. Not everyone has to dance on a platform. Leave her alone, and shut up.
Anyway, Stassi says she has since stopped taking recreational Adderall, which has made her less prone to getting angry while drunk. I’ll admit that is, at least, good.
2. Schwartz’s Dick and Kristen’s Carter Situation
I’m going to combine these because they both make me feel terrible. Okay, first — Schwartz’s “classic dick.” Andy asked Katie why her go-to insult for Schwartz, her husband, is that he has a tiny dick that doesn’t work. The answer is probably that they should have never gotten married and their mutual contempt for each other will simmer until it one day explodes, but instead the answer given was sort of a shrug while Schwartz defended his dick as being “classic.” What does that mean? everyone asked. “I think he means ‘average,’” Katie said. Oh!
(This is not to say that Schwartz is any nicer to Katie. Her contempt for him likely stems from the times he has cheated on her, and also remember when he said, “Try being with a shitty fucking wife for seven years!”?)
Speaking of relationships that make me uncomfortable, Kristen said that although she and Carter have sort of broken up, he’s still living with her, in part because her dog got mauled by a pit bull. The dog survived but was badly injured, and this made her emotional, and she wanted him there with her. I’m genuinely very sorry to hear about your dog, Kristen, but that dude sucks, please break up with him and kick him out!
1. Jax Admits His Talk With Brittany’s Father Was Inappropriate
While Brittany’s family was in town for her engagement party, Jax took her father and brothers out to drinks at Tom Tom. While there, he explained to them that he will always put himself first, and that, sure, he’ll take care of Brittany, but that Brittany has to take care of him, too. It was aggressive, and obviously an odd thing to say to the father of the fiancée you recently cheated on.
At the time, Jax took to social media to explain. “This scene was edited horribly,” he wrote in a (now-deleted) Instagram post. “I even spoke to [Brittany’s] father after, and he was like, ‘This is not how it went.’ We are both on the same page — just so you know — and he agrees with me, and that’s all that matters.”
When the scene was brought up during the reunion, however, Jax didn’t mention the poor editing — very interesting. Instead he accepted the blame and apologized without addendum, calling his behavior “inappropriate.” Did he see the light, or did either Brittany or Andy Cohen shine the light into him under duress? We may never know, but we can wonder.
Well, that’s all. See you next season, at Brittany and Jax’s wedding.