the cut opinion pages

I Love and Support the Giant Toilet Paper Roll for Millennials

The Charmin Forever Roll.
Hello, friend. Photo: Charmin

Toilet paper innovation is not something I’ve had to consider much during my lifetime. (Besides every time I get indignant about how Americans should be using bidets, but, moving on.) And yet when I saw that Charmin had introduced a “Forever Roll,” I felt moved on a deep spiritual, emotional, and physical level. I did not know that I wanted the big toilet paper roll, but all of a sudden the big toilet paper roll was here and the big toilet paper roll was good.

Technically the brand launched the product back in April, but I first learned about it today via a Business Insider article titled “Charmin created a toilet paper roll for millennials that lasts up to 3 months.” And while it is most certainly a marketing gimmick, it’s a marketing gimmick I can support. I live in a cramped fifth-floor walk-up apartment where the bathroom is just slightly larger than my body. I barely have enough space to comfortably use my toilet (which looks like this), let alone store more toilet paper rolls. I will also say that, as far as silly millennial-targeted marketing goes, this is pretty spot on — we live alone in small rentals because we can’t afford to buy real estate, we’re constantly working so we have limited time to run errands, and we LOVE using the bathroom.

One of my colleagues mused that the Big Toilet Paper Roll was “the worst thing you can run into your ex while buying … massive toilet paper roll for lonely girls.” I respectfully disagree. Running into your ex with the Big Toilet Paper Roll says “look at all this toilet paper I’m buying for myself and my multiple sex partners” and “I’m so busy I can barely be bothered to buy toilet paper except for once a season … ciao ciao!” I only hope that Charmin goes all-in on marketing this to millennials and introduces a new Charmin bear who lives in Bushwick and works as a linen designer/plant curator and spends weekends partying with her polycule at House of Yes. I long for the day when I can open up an Into the Gloss “Top Shelf” and see a Big Toilet Paper Roll front and center.

Just don’t tell Sheryl Crow about it.

I Support the Giant Toilet Paper Roll for Millennials