Keanu Reeves, the internet’s boyfriend, has let us know in the gentlest way possible that he was not aware we were dating.
On Tuesday, People caught up with the 54-year-old actor at the premiere of Toy Story 4 and asked him how he felt about being “dubbed the internet’s boyfriend.” “I’ve been what?” he said in response. “That’s, uh, that’s wacky,” he continued. “Well, that’s positively great.”
The Matrix and John Wick actor, who’s been astonishingly famous since the ’90s, is at this moment perhaps best known for his aloof and pensive demeanor, which, coupled with a totally mysterious private life and random acts of kindness, has captured the imagination of very-online people. His existential malaise has been well documented in photographs of him sitting forlornly on Soho stoops, wearing trucker hats, and smoking. On a recent appearance on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Reeves was asked what he thinks happens when we die, to which the gorgeous prince of death replied, “I know that the ones who love us will miss us.”
I love Keanu, too, but I have some questions. I know he’s not really on social media, but does he seriously never Google himself or pick up the phone when his publicist calls? We, the internet, have been courting him for years. Is it not the least bit possible that with his foxy Saint Laurent campaign and recent extreme lack of physical contact with fans, he’s been courting us right back? Was it all in our heads? We can see other people, if that’s really what you want, Keanu. We will write viral songs about you, pine en masse for you, make sure that David Lynch casts you in his next film project, whatever it takes to make this work! But tell us you’re at least a little bit in on it.