the truth is out there

Nearly Half a Million People Plan Ambush of Area 51

Let’s do this. Photo: Barry King/WireImage/Getty Images

So, yes: At this point, it seems overwhelmingly clear that The Truth Is Out There. The navy has admitted that, with respect to those strange “Tic Tac-shaped vehicles” seen zooming through our skies, the simplest explanation may just be the correct one: aliens. Or, at least, a bunch of UFOs cruising overhead for years and years — spotted on an almost-daily basis between summer 2014 and summer 2015, seen scoping out our solar system in their cigar-shaped flying machines — while the U.S. government remains conspicuously, pointedly silent. Well! The people demand answers. The people are taking matters into their own hands. The people are planning a grassroots ambush of Area 51, because, as the organizers put it, “They can’t stop all of us.”

“All of us,” in this scenario, amounts to maybe 400,000-plus people who responded to a Facebook event inviting the masses to “Storm Area 51” on Friday, September 20, 2019. “They” presumably means the U.S. Air Force, which runs this storied Nevada military base, historically a hotspot for alleged UFO sightings and attendant conspiracy theories. The public cannot enter Area 51, and until 2018, censored satellite imagery of the site meant you couldn’t even stare longingly at an aerial view on Google Maps. Some have suggested the government uses Area 51 to study crashed extraterrestrial spaceships, and/or time travel. But we don’t know, we can’t know, due to the intensive lock-down.

Enter Facebook users “Shitposting cause im in shambles” and “SmyleeKun,” who propose a meet-up at the Area 51 Alien Center tourist attraction in Amargosa Valley, Nevada, where the group will “coordinate” the rush. “If we naruto run, we can move faster than their bullets,” they say, referring to a style of arms-behind-the-back running in which humans emulate characters from the anime Naruto. And then you, an attendee, would become the bottom half of the Eric-Andre-rattling-the-gates-at-the-2016-Democratic-National-Convention meme, screaming that the military overlords LET YOU IN, because you must “see them aliens,” per the Facebook event.

Anyway, there’s no guarantee that UFOs definitely, 100 percent mean aliens exist, and we can’t endorse your running at a notoriously secretive military base. That would be dangerous, even if the whole thing weren’t probably a joke.

In totally unrelated news, though, here’s a WikiHow on Naruto running.

Nearly Half a Million People Plan Ambush of Area 51