Not even a week ago, I proudly proclaimed that I would fight any other Megan Rapinoe obsessive who might falsely claim to have more love to offer her than I. But today, I must announce that I am mentally returning Rapinoe to her chosen partner, who just published an essay about her that’s so heartwarming, I know it would be wrong to keep Rapinoe to myself.
In “So The President F*cking Hates My Girlfriend,” published on sports website The Players’ Tribune, WNBA star Sue Bird wanted to make a few points related to the 2019 Women’s World Cup: She effused over the U.S. women’s national soccer team’s 2-1 victory over France in the quarterfinals, and offered up a “decidedly non-expert World Cup semifinal preview.” But really, she was writing to accomplish one thing: to praise Rapinoe, who she considers “the world’s biggest most kissable goofball queen.”
As the title suggests, Bird opens up about what it was like to have President Trump go after Rapinoe after the star midfielder preemptively turned down an offer to visit the “(f*cking) White House.” Though Bird writes that some of the repercussions of Rapinoe’s rejection “[scare] the sh*t out of [her]” — i.e., having a bunch of MAGA supporters flocking to their social media — Rapinoe “seemed completely unfazed.”
“She’s going to do her thing, at her own damn speed, to her own damn rhythm, and she’s going to apologize to exactly NO ONE for it,” Bird writes. “Megan is at the boss level in the video game of knowing herself.”
But Bird didn’t just tackle serious subjects: She got into Rapinoe’s pink hair (“I thought it was too impulsive and I voted no”), how the star midfielder makes her sartorial decisions (“Megan’s fashion is based on what you might call a ‘modified democracy,’ where we both give our opinion and then Megan does what she wants”), and what she adorably refers to as “Megan Goggles,” wherein Bird puts on imaginary “goggles” when she suspects that her “free-spirit” of a girlfriend is about to make a questionable decision. An example:
[Megan walks into the closet with some scissors, then confidently walks out…..]
[Sue puts on Megan Goggles…..]
Sure, Megan! Absolutely let’s call that t-shirt you just cut a hole in “a look.”
“When I put on my Megan Goggles??” Bird writes. “What I’m really doing, I think, is learning to understand her better — and, if this even makes any sense: I think at the same time, I’m learning how to understand myself better as well.”
Weird how there’s been something stuck in my eye ever since I finished this essay!!!