Could You Live With Yourself Knowing You’d Ordered This?

Don’t. Photo: Starbucks

On Wednesday, when you step into a Starbucks on your way to work, or for a mid-afternoon pick-me-up, you may be tempted to order a Tie-Dye Frappuccino, pictured here. Like the Unicorn Frappuccino, the Mermaid Frappuccino, and the Witch’s Brew Frappuccino before it, it is a limited-time-only menu item that will only be around for five days, or as long as “supplies” (an assortment of colorful powders, it sounds like) last.

Wow, you might think to yourself. A limited time only! I better jump on this opportunity now while I have the chance. I don’t want to die with any regrets.

First of all, I love your impulse to live life to the fullest. Nurture that.

Before you place your order, though, here are some things to consider:

• If you order one, you, an adult (maybe), would have to publicly say the words, “I’d like one Tie-Dye Frappuccino, please.” Meditate for a moment on whether your dignity could ever fully recover from that experience.

• The drink is banana-candy flavored. Think about everything you could order that tastes better than banana candy, like a vanilla frappuccino, a plain coffee, or a handful of used coffee grounds from the trash.

• If you order one, you’re a jerk. As Business Insider reported, baristas are already nervous about the new novelty beverage, which is more complicated and time-consuming to prepare than other drinks.

“It looks like it’s going to be the Unicorn Frappuccino all over again, which the company said they wouldn’t do again because of partner feedback,” one employee told Business Insider (Starbucks calls its employees “partners”). “They don’t give a damn about us and it’s obvious.”

So should you order a Tie Dye Frappuccino? That’s really up to you. Only you know whether you’ll be able to look yourself in the mirror every morning, or hold a loved one in your arms, or sleep at night knowing you, in the eyes of the public, God, and Starbucks employees, ordered a complicated, Laffy Taffy-flavored milkshake.

Could You Live With Yourself Knowing You’d Ordered This?