normal stuff

Imagine This Voicemail From the President of the United States

Photo: PETE MAROVICH/Bloomberg via Getty Images

Mere hours after news reports broke that Donald Trump, the president of the United States, asked if he could buy Greenland, he outdid himself by brutally fat-shaming a man he thought was a protester at one of his rallies in New Hampshire.

After three people who interrupted Trump were ousted from the stadium where Trump was giving a speech, he directed this set of disgusting comments at one of them: “That guy has got a serious weight problem. Go home, start exercising,” Trump said to applause from his supporters. “Gotta bigger problem than I do. Got a bigger problem than all of us. Now he goes home and his mom says, ‘What the hell have you just done.’”

Turns out that the guy he was mocking was actually a MAGA-loving Navy veteran named Frank Dawson, who loves Trump so much that he appeared on Fox News after the event to say that “everything was good” and he was not offended. This reportedly prompted Trump to call him and leave a voicemail message from Air Force One, presumably apologizing to him for cruelly mocking his appearance in front of thousands of people, and on national television. (But probably not really apologizing.)

Here’s a very exact, imagined transcript of the president’s message:

“Heyyyyy buddy, hey guy. This is Donald Trump, your president, MAGA, all that stuff, you know who I am. We had an incredible, incredible rally in New Hampshire last night, just really top business, we beat Elton John’s record for biggest crowd, do you know him? ‘Bennie and the Jets’? Anyway, uh … [senior aide in the background loudly whispering “FRANK!”] Frank, Frank, I just want you to know what a tremendous, big guy you are, just a huge, successful person, and you know I love all my people. My people who make this country so big and so great, we’ve got a great economy, it’s just so up there, one of the best. Anyway, about what I said, I’m not a small man myself, I’m actually one of the biggest presidents in terms of suit size — although I also like a roomy suit, always have. I like my suits to fit like more like a sweatpant. You know what I mean. Anyway, enjoy yourself with whatever you’re doing. Keep it up. Thanks, Fred.”

Imagine This Voicemail From the United States President