broken brain

Put Me in the Fish Tube

Photo: U.S. Department of Energy/Youtube

Broken Brain is a catalogue of the things we find hilarious because our minds have been irreparably damaged by the internet.

How many times have you wished that you could be transported swiftly and securely over life’s obstacles to land safely in the waters of your desires?

This is the world of fish tube, a smooth, cylindrical paradise that I will never fit inside but that inhabits my dreams.

The fish tube is really called the Salmon Cannon, and it is a technology that helps move native fish swimming upstream over dams more quickly. As the original fish-tube video above demonstrates, the salmon are blasted through soft tubing high above the dam and out of harm’s way, before shooting out on the other side, like they would at Raging Waters.

Though the Salmon Cannon was invented in 2011, and the particular fish-tube video circulating was filmed in 2014, the footage went viral this weekend, a dopamine hit for our broken brains not unlike last week’s blessed feral hogs.

We all long to be put into the fish tube.

For example, if the personal dam of my life at this moment is the 2020 Democratic presidential primary, I wish for a fish tube to shoot me out into the abyss that lies beyond.

But there isn’t a fish tube for people yet, and if there is it’s probably what Jeff Bezos has been busy smoothing and honing himself for, and he likely won’t let any of us come with him when it shoots him to the moon.

To soothe yourself, here is a moving version of the fish-tube video set to Lana Del Rey’s “Ride”:

Put Me in the Fish Tube