Soothe Yourself by Imagining the Human-Sized ‘Monster Penguin’

Big penguin.
When you see the “monster” penguin. Photo: CANTERBURY MUSEUM/EPA-EFE/Shutterstock

When you’re feeling weighed down by anxiety and despair, there are many healthy activities you can do at home to help alleviate your debilitating dread: practicing mindfulness, downloading one of those relaxation apps or even taking the time to do something nice for yourself, like going to a movie or petting a dog. Now these are all great recommendations, and I really do endorse them all, but may I also suggest … closing your eyes and imagining a realllllllly big penguin?

Fortunately, your brain won’t have to work too hard. On Wednesday, New Zealand’s Canterbury Museum announced in a celebratory statement that scientists had discovered the remains of a previously unknown penguin species that they’re describing as a “monster”: the Crossvallia waiparensis, which reportedly lived between 56 and 66 million years ago and stood over 5 feet tall. Alongside the exciting news, the museum released a rendering of the ginormous bird next to a busty woman donning the incredibly bold look of wide-legged trousers, a white blouse, and a vest. (And we thought a donkey and an emu made an odd pairing!)

Obviously, humans and monster penguins never kicked it, nor would they have had much in common. Instead, per the statement, the bird is much more similar to the category of “gigantic, but extinct, New Zealand fauna,” which includes ” the world’s largest parrot, a giant eagle, giant burrowing bat, [and] the moa.”

But imagine you did encounter a monster penguin; what would that be like? Do you think they love Valentine’s Day as much as African penguins? Do you think think it’d feel nice to give them a hug? Do you think they’re as gay as their modern-day brethren????

How’s your brain feeling now?? Soothed, right?

Soothe Yourself by Imagining the ‘Monster’ Penguin