totally kind of hot

Post Malone — Yes, Post Malone — Is Totally Kind of Hot

Post Malone. Photo: Kevin Mazur/Getty Images For dcp

Post Malone, the small-toothed, curly haired rapper known for his face tattoos and several chart-topping songs about girls, beers, and sadness, is not your typical kind of handsome. No, he is the kind of man who can only be described as “totally kind of hot.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” you might be thinking, especially if you’ve seen pictures of Malone before his haircut last year, when he often rocked a particularly striking combination of short bangs, pigtails, and a leather vest.

But Post’s totally-kind-of-hotness is all about pushing the very boundaries of hotness itself. His devil-may-care attitude toward facial hair, his penchant for fast-food delivery and alcohol endorsements (he’s a Bud Light influencer), his face tats — all give him a certain undeniable je ne sais quoi. The man also has famously been cursed by a haunted box, resulting in several near-death experiences that he has escaped Final Destination-style.

Below, three bold writers, proud “PostMates” if you will, discuss what makes him a controversial crush. If you have someone in your life who feels too nervous to express their feelings of attraction for this man, consider this their safe space.

Madeleine Aggeler, senior writer: Okay, when did you all first realize you were horny for Austin Richard (a.k.a. Post Malone)?

Allison Davis, senior culture writer: Honestly, it started with good old-fashioned journalistic curiosity. Who is Post? Why is he on every song? What does it mean about the culture? But when we almost lost him, I got real horny. You never know what you got till you lose it.

Bridget Read, writer: Right, the hotness of Post is wrapped up in his abjection. That he is considered smelly, that he has face tattoos, that he is cursed, and then that he has almost died several times.

Madeleine: I do think it’s really hot that he’s cursed.

Allison: Also, he acknowledges all those things. He knows we think he’s smelly. And he’s funny about it.

Bridget: And confidence is sexy.

Allison: I gotta be honest though, I got so unhappy with myself for wanting to fuck him in a baby pool of Bud Light. And yet here I am. The shame only makes it hotter!

Madeleine: He looks like he could get me a discount at Lids.

Bridget: And yet he’s also a really talented guitar player! And singer. He has a beautiful, smooth voice when he sings, “I been fuckin’ hoes and poppin’ pillies.”

Allison: My 3-year-old nephew knows all the words to “Sunflower.”

Bridget: Let’s talk about when he was shorn.

Allison: Wait — before we proceed. Did you want to smush Post pre-shorning? When he had those pigtail braids? Let’s see how deep this love goes.

[Protracted silence]

Photo: Jason LaVeris/FilmMagic

Bridget: Um … yes.

Madeleine: … Yes.

Allison: Ditto. We’re so brave.

Bridget: It’s true, you’re not fully Post-hive if you like him only after The Shorning. When he was shorn he became much more mainstream.

Allison: I don’t mind that The Shorning made him more mainstream. Now it feels slightly more acceptable to take part in this.

Bridget: But he’ll never be truly mainstream, because of the curse. Do you guys like Bud Light now?

Allison: I don’t like Bud Light, but I like that he likes it. Like, there is something so beautiful in his inability to like anything highbrow. I feel like I’d meet him in a mall food court and we’d go hang out at Hot Topic before prom or something.

Bridget: Yes, he has that Everyman quality, but also something intangible, like if you did see him at the mall food court you wouldn’t be shocked that such a man was there, but you would also point to someone and be like, “Look at that man.”

Madeleine: I feel like I’d meet him in a large Las Vegas hotel room, and everything would be sticky.

Allison: He has a vibe … it’s not Big Dick Energy, but it’s something.

Bridget: Is it Bud Light Energy?

Allison: BLE. I think that’s why it’s even more devastating when he puts on a chic suit. Stuffing all that lowbrow into a well-tailored fit, my God.

Photo: Rich Fury/AMA2018/Getty Images For dcp

Madeleine: I love him in a suit. It’s like when a dog rides a bicycle and you’re just like, What are you doing? But you love it.

Allison: And then you think Huh! Am I turned on? (Not by the dog, by Post.) (I made that weird.)

Madeleine: I think part of his draw is I feel like he would encourage and enable all of my bad decisions.

Bridget: Well, he smokes, and wears crocs, so yes.

Allison: He’s all my bad decisions personified. So much of loving Post is being okay with being repulsed by him, too.

Madeleine: He’s also tall and would make me feel dainty I think. Here’s me, a tiny clean fairy next to this big man I found in an EDM cave.

Allison: Wow he looks good in a turtleneck. Top five requirements for Men I Want to Bone. What’s your dream date with Post?

Bridget: Olive Garden after Dave & Busters Times Square.

Allison: Private jet to Atlanta stocked with Popeye’s chicken sandwiches and Bud Light (for him) and Bud Light Lime (for me, his lady). We’d go to Magic City and I’d let him hose me down in Bud Light in the Champagne room.

Madeleine: We go to Sunglass Hut and get matching sunglasses and then shotgun beers in the parking lot and then go make out and smoke in his car.

Allison: Weirdly, I just like want Papa John’s pizza and garlic-butter sauce now?

Bridget: Not weird, that’s his power. I want to do a line off a lime Tostito.

Medeleine: You know that thing where you stand on the edge of a cliff and you’re like, I wonder what it would be like to jump? Being attracted to him feels like that.

Allison: A long time ago, I did a Lynyrd Skynyrd song at karaoke — that’s how it feels for me to love Post.

Bridget: Thats really really brave, Allison.

Allison: We’re all brave, today.

Bridget: I think it feels like shotgunning a Bud Light. You’re almost choking but you love the taste.

Allison: Jesus, Bridget.

Post Malone — Yes, Post Malone — Is Totally Kind of Hot