This week, a data scientist struggling to open up about her past relationship: 26, straight, in a relationship, Jersey City.
6:45 a.m. Wake up to my cat walking on my chest. It hurts because I have some bruises there from two nights ago — the guy I’ve been seeing for the last six months, M, enjoys choking and we tend to have rough sex. I shower and put on makeup. I have a big meeting today.
9:35 a.m. Finally get to work; I’m a data scientist, and my office is in Manhattan. I left late, and my hour-long commute took a little more than an hour since it was raining.
4:10 p.m. My meeting went great, and I come back to my desk to see a text from M inviting me over tonight. I’m so down. We’re going to smoke and watch a movie, and I want to get laid so bad.
6:30 p.m. As soon as I get home, I start freshening up and choosing a new outfit for M. Even though we’ve been seeing each other for a few months, I still like to look cute for him.
11:30p.m. I make us dinner, and then we get really high and watch IT. We cuddle and go to bed — no sex since we were both really tired.
7 a.m. We’re both groggily awake, so I try pushing up against him to get him aroused. It works, and we end up having morning sex. It’s more passionate and less rough this time — probably since we’re sober. There was still some light choking and quite a bit of ass slapping, which I enjoy. We cuddle a little before I have to go home and get my day started.
10 a.m. Working from home today. M texts me saying his friends are going out Saturday and have invited him along, but he’s supposed to be coming with me to one of my friends’ parties … I hope he doesn’t flake. The friend is someone I met through my ex, and all of my ex’s former friends will be there. My ex won’t be, since no one is friends with him anymore — he cheated on me with another person in the friend group. I want M to be there to meet everyone, and I also want to spite my ex because he’ll find out one way or another that I showed up with a new guy, and that will probably hurt him.
6 p.m. I stop working and smoke a bowl of weed in my vape. I’m pretty damn high right now. I’ll probably grab my vibrator later, because of course I didn’t come this morning. M does maybe 30 seconds of foreplay then goes straight into it — I like a lot of foreplay. He doesn’t really care much about getting me off. Why do I like him so much?
8 p.m. I’m still pretty fucking high. M texts and asks me which of my friends are going to the party tomorrow so he can try and convince his friends to come along. I go to the birthday girl’s Instagram to show him, and it instantly breaks my heart. She has so many old photos with my ex and the girl he cheated with. But she hates them both now, so they definitely won’t be coming to the party. I reassure M of this and he doesn’t really acknowledge it. Whatever, I grab my vibe and come really hard. Might do it again.
9 p.m. M texts me and says that one of his friends complimented me and really likes me, and that none of his friends have ever said anything bad about me. His parents also seem to like me. Ahh, this makes me feel so good. I really like him.
12 a.m. M FaceTimes me since he’s home from the bar. We talk a little, and when we hang up he texts me, “Goodnight, my love” and I swoon. He’s not the most romantic or expressive guy so this is a first and I absolutely love it. I feel like we’re close-ish to exchanging “I love you’s.”
8 a.m. My cats and my alarm wake me up almost simultaneously. I’m tired. I had a dream about my ex last night and it’s really messing with me. I don’t miss the relationship we had since it was incredibly toxic, but I do miss who he was to me. We were together for four years. He was my best friend, the only person I felt like I could be myself around.
4:30 p.m. At a rooftop bar with my friends after getting brunch. It’s the middle of a heat wave so I’m dying. M texts me and bails on meeting up with me because it’s too hot out, and I’m secretly thankful. I leave the bar to head back to NJ to see him. I’m pretty drunk …
12:30 a.m. M and I watch a boxing fight and head to bed when it’s over. When I go to his room I see a bobby pin on his dresser that isn’t mine. I call him out, and he insists it must be from before me and also says, “Are you sure it isn’t yours?” Yes I’m sure, you asshole, I don’t own black bobby pins! He says, “Not gonna lie, I’ve had girls in here before you, but I haven’t had anyone else in a while.” That makes me want to ask him when the last time he was with someone who wasn’t me, but I don’t, because I don’t want to get hurt. We established our exclusivity a couple months ago so I’d be pissed if he said any time after that. I’m upset and am not in the mood for sex at all. He can tell, and doesn’t try anything.
9 a.m. I wake up to the sound of M getting ready for work (he works in real estate). I’m still tired, so I’m still in bed. He sits beside me to talk to me about later — I agreed to let him borrow my car to go to his brother’s baby shower this afternoon, which somehow also turned into walking his dog in the morning and afternoon and feeding the dog too. I don’t mind because I’m not doing anything important today but it’s a pretty big favor. He kisses me good-bye and I decide to stay in bed and try to go back to sleep.
12:30 p.m. I’m sitting in a nail salon waiting to get a mani/pedi. I woke up at 11:30 and walked M’s dog, cleaned up his kitchen, then came over here. I like to stay pretty for him, and he made a comment about my jacked-up nails last night.
3:30 p.m. Just picked M up from work. He was mad at me because I borrowed $10 sitting on his countertop to tip my nail lady. I’d asked him if I could use it after the fact, but he got mad that I took it from his apartment without asking first. He tells me he’s not mad anymore and just annoyed, and he knows I didn’t have any bad intentions with it.
6:30 p.m. M comes over to drop off the car after the shower, and comes inside for a beer. He’s forgiven me for earlier and everything is cool. We hang out for a little and he invites me over to his place for the night, so we go there. (He doesn’t like to to leave the dog for the night.)
11:30p.m. It’s bedtime. M and I are both tired and bloated and gassy from all the food and beer we had. Definitely no sex tonight.
7:30 a.m. My alarm goes off and I look over at M. He’s still sleeping and he’s so cute. I had a dream last night that he told me he loves me. It’s really getting to the place now where I feel like someone’s gonna say it soon — probably me, but I really don’t want to be rejected if he doesn’t feel the same way or doesn’t say it back.
1:30 p.m. Finally eating lunch.
7 p.m. It’s raining like crazy but I signed up for a barre class and it’s too late to cancel.
8:15 p.m. I leave class to five texts from M. He’s super high and wants me to bring him snacks. I call him to make him hear how ridiculous he sounds, and he agrees. The sad part is, I probably would’ve done it if he had begged. But I’m driving home to shower and do some self-care and go to sleep.
7:30 a.m. Wake up and get ready for work.
1 p.m. M drops a bomb on me via text: He saw his ex in passing. He starts telling me how it made him feel weird, and that he ended up texting her but regrets it. He then gets kinda deep and starts telling me about how he self-sabotages his relationships and how he doesn’t deserve love since he just hurts everyone and will end up hurting me, too. It makes me feel weird. He hasn’t really told me much about her. Every time I ask he says he doesn’t want to talk about it, so I drop the subject.
8:45 p.m. I arrive at M’s place. He’s pretty subdued, and tells me he doesn’t want to drink or smoke tonight, which is kind of a first. So we have a sober night. He’s really not being affectionate, and we haven’t addressed the earlier topic. I want to have sex, but I won’t initiate it given his current body language.
12:30 a.m. M and I are heading to bed, having just finished watching a movie. We cuddle up and I hint that I want to have sex in the morning. He laughs it off, basically as a “we’ll see.” I’m not banking on it.
8 a.m. I’m leaving M’s place to go back home and get ready for work. There was no morning sex, unfortunately; I didn’t even really try since he wasn’t cuddling with me at the time my alarm went off. I’m pretty frustrated; I feel like if he’s having sex with me and being affectionate, that means he’s over the weirdness about his ex. But if he’s being standoffish like he has been, that means he’s still thinking of her.
12 p.m. Ugh. More ex talk from M via text. He mentions that he wants to get rid of some furniture that was from when they used to live together. I work pretty hard so I can ignore over-thinking about him.
7 p.m. Just finished therapy. We talked quite a bit about M, and about my ex. I mentioned how M is forthcoming about his thoughts about his ex and I felt like it meant he wasn’t as over his breakup as I am. But she basically told me, “You talk about your ex constantly but you just don’t trust him (or anyone else) enough to tell them what you’re going through.” Damn.
10 p.m. I talk to M and mention that my therapist said I’m secretive with my feelings and don’t tell people when I’m struggling with something emotionally. We start talking about our feelings, and he said he’s noticed that I’m reserved but I’m growing as a person and I’m becoming more in-touch with my emotions. It makes me feel so good that he’s noticed. He’s much more emotionally mature than I am, and I tell him that. He said he admires my strength. Wow. I really fucking like this guy. Maybe love.
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