nessie lives

FYI, the Loch Ness Monster Is a Lesbian Separatist

Photo: Keystone/Getty Images

Okay, so, I have this theory. I haven’t shared it publicly before now, mainly because nobody cares, but today, I have a news peg, which is that some guy (University of Otago geneticist Neil Gemmell) says that the gorgeous, reclusive Loch Ness monster could be a “giant eel.”

No, she’s not!!! First of all, please don’t tell me I can’t see the difference between an eel (no legs … right?) and a Loch Ness monster (four legs, probably). Second of all, Nessie, to me, should not be defined by the number of legs she does or doesn’t have. She should be defined by her politics, which are: She is a lesbian separatist.

It’s so obvious! You get it. I sort of don’t even think it needs explaining, but my editor(s) disagree, so here I go.

Lesbian separatism is a political movement within feminist separatism which explicitly rejects participation in the social institution of heterosexuality. Apparently one of her kind, the Loch Ness monster refuses to cohabitate, mate, or reproduce with a male monster. Lesbian separatists sometimes form their own safe communal living spaces outside traditional, heteropatriarchal living structures. The Loch Ness monster stays hidden within her own Loch for presumably similar reasons. In an attempt to escape the male gaze, she makes herself unavailable for all but the grainiest of photographs.

Gemmell himself states that “these eels would normally migrate to reproduce, but they, for whatever reason, don’t. And they continue to grow to a very large size, forgoing reproduction for growth.” Hmmm. Sounds like something a lesbian separatist might do. (“I think we can be fairly sure that there is probably not a giant scaly reptile swimming around in Loch Ness,” continued Gemmell, gaslighting her and all of us.)

For me, believing in the Loch Ness monster isn’t tied so much to that one lake as it is to the larger mysteries within this planet’s watery depths. According to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, 95 percent of the world’s oceans and 99 percent of the ocean floor are unexplored. You’re telling me there are zero large, as-yet undiscovered lesbian sea monsters down there? Get out of town.

FYI, the Loch Ness Monster Is a Lesbian Separatist