Would You Like Some Artisanal 4Loko From the Finest Beans?

Photo: La Colombe

You know those nights in college where you were still hungover from the night before, but you needed to go out and drink again, so you would brew a coffee and chug that before poisoning your body even further with a delicious Coke and Admiral Nelson? (He’s the cheaper cousin of Captain Morgan.)

Get ready to re-create this elevated mind-body experience all at once with something called “Hard Cold Brew.” Shudder.

Beer company MillerCoors is tapping into the White Claw market, a.k.a. millennials who want to get fucked up but remain fully optimized, and has introduced a La Colombe collaboration cold brew canned coffee with 4.2 percent ABV. Mmmm.

I remember when 4Loko, the quickly banned alcoholic energy drink, caused massive public safety arrests on my campus in Connecticut. I distinctly recall staring dead-eyed at some kid kicking in the railing of the porch at a house party while clutching his can for dear life. Those were the days.

The Hard Cold Brew forgoes 4Loko’s blatant appeal to chaos for streamlined, pseudo-health, promising Colombian and Brazilian coffee beans “roasted to an even medium” and “cold-pressed overnight.”

Drinking is overall bad, probably, but at least it used to be that when you were doing it you were doing it. Hello, here I am, drinking trash! Then, ideally, you would stop. Now brands are hoping we’ll do it while hydrating and getting energized, until our bodies never rest and simply give out from all of these cans of liquid. And our families can drink them at our funerals.

Have a great weekend!!

Would You Like Some Artisanal 4Loko From the Finest Beans?