The stage at last week’s Democratic primary debate in Ohio was so crowded with blazers, sensible haircuts, and barely suppressed rage, it looked like the inside of a Brooks Brothers outlet semi-annual sale. The 12 people onstage weren’t even all the candidates, they were just the ones who qualified for this particular event. Currently, there are 19 Democratic presidential hopefuls, down from a whopping 26 (!) earlier this year. Still, hungry Democratic donors remain unsated, their appetites for fresh liberal flesh bottomless. They demand more candidates! More!
This is according to a new report from the New York Times, which said that at an event at Manhattan’s Whitby Hotel last weekend, wealthy Democratic donors discussed candidates, and “who was not in the race — but could be lured in.”
Their concern with the current vast field of candidates is that former vice-president Joe Biden, the establishment favorite, will be unable to fundraise enough during the primaries to secure the nomination, and that more progressive candidates, like senators Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders, would not be competitive in a general election (even though both are currently ahead of Trump in most head to head polls).
Among the figures they discussed luring were twice-former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, non-Giuliani former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg, Ohio governor Sherrod Brown, and former Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick, who said of the rumors surrounding his potential run, “It’s nice to be rumored about.”
This agonizing over candidates is not new for the Democrats, Randi Weingarten, the president of the American Federation of Teachers, told the Times. “For as long as I have been in politics, I’ve heard Democrats fretting about their presidential contenders.” Well, it’s always good to see people evolve.
The prospect of a Democratic field that, like the universe, is forever expanding around us into nothingness, leads me to my main question, which is this: Am I the only person, alive or dead right now, who is not currently a Democratic candidate for president of the United States? Please be honest, and let me know.