It was recently revealed to me that several of my co-workers do not know how to take their tight pants off in a sexy or even somewhat normal-looking way. “How do the pants not get stuck on your legs, and then they’re pooling around your feet, and your feet get stuck,” etc. Because of this gap in knowledge, I was tasked with finding out how to do it — that is, how to take off pants in a sexy or even somewhat normal-looking way. I assume this is because my innate energy suggests that I might already know the answer. Well, it’s true that I do.
But let’s see what some other people have to say first.
Obviously the first place to look is the internet. Googling “how to take off pants in a hot way” led to an abundance of advice about getting wax and gum out of clothing, but it also led to the WikiHow “How to Take off Clothes in a Sexy Way,” which had this to say:
“Learn how to make jean removal sexy. You might want to practice this one in advance, since tight jeans tend to be less sexy when you’re falling over with your legs trapped.” Mmhm, mmhm, yes, yes. “Try kneeling, then pushing your jeans down to your knees while you stick your butt out at your partner.” Okay. “Sit back on your butt to pull the jeans off the rest of the way.” Okay. This is sort of confusing, but if you read it slowly I think you can picture it. Or, well — I will try to draw for you what it means:
Better than you thought it would be, huh? It’s actually a pretty good illustration. Anyway, imagining actually taking your pants off that way with a partner, with the butt in the face, might still be somewhat awkward for those already preoccupied with the awkwardness of taking off pants in the first place. Maybe you can aim the butt somewhere else? It’s up to you and your butt, I’m just giving you options. Maybe you want to may eye contact instead, or face your butt elsewhere and look into the distance. Whatever feels comfortable. Still, this method doesn’t directly address the issue about getting your feet out of the pants, which seems to be the main thing. Okay, what else does the internet have to say, let’s see.
“Girls, what ways to take off clothes in a sexy way?” Anonymous asked a website called Girlsaskguys.com. “I am wearing a button-up shirt with jean trousers and you are interested in having sex tonight. Then can you tell me how to make shirt and jean including underwear removal sexy?” Huh. Actually, well, okay let’s stop looking on the internet.
Nicola Harrison, a New York–based stylist and image consultant, has a few methods to try which she shared with me via email. (She also passed along the advice to always take socks off first, and, when buying skinny jeans, look for some with a little stretch.) One of her pants-removing positions sounded quite familiar — she calls it the “kneeling position.” It goes like this:
“Stand up on your knees on your bed (so your bottom is not on your heels), unbutton and unzip jeans and pull down to the knees. Sit down on your left hip with legs to the right and slide them off the rest of the way.”
Perhaps it’s worth giving the kneeling position a try, after all, hmm? And for the more flexible among us, she offered “the flexible standing position.” It goes like this:
“Try standing up straight, unbutton and unzip. Then, keeping legs straight, slide jeans all the way to your ankles. Using both hands to hold the jeans to the ground, step out one foot at a time. Then flip your hair back, stripper style, and come back to standing.”
As you can see, this one is very sexy indeed. But I do feel this may require at least buying one month of yoga class, and I am not sure what your schedule and budget are like at the moment.
I reached out to Levi’s to see if anyone there could tell me how to take off pants in a hot way, since it seems like the company should have done some testing on this at some point, and do you know what? They responded. And do you know what else? Not only did they respond, they sent over a very detailed 12-step pants-removing guide from Jill Guenza, VP of women’s design. It is incredible how helpful people can be if you are just willing to email them and ask how to take off pants because your co-workers are confused. Of course I will do a helpful illustration for each of the 12 steps, because as we have already seen, my illustration abilities have become quite exceptional and, actually, are helpful. Here is Guenza’s list:
1. Remove shoes. It is ideal if this can be accomplished without sitting down. If not, sit down, remove shoes, and stand up again.
2. Unbutton and unzip jeans.
3. Hook thumbs inside the waistband of the jeans on either side of your hips and slightly toward the back — approximately where the back/side belt loops are positioned.
4. Pushing down with your hands, shimmy the jeans down over your hips. Pause just after passing by the fullest part of your butt to adjust underwear back into position.
5. Reposition thumbs inside the waistband and continue shimmying the jeans down your legs, scrunching the denim down as you go — similar to how you would remove stockings.
6. Once you get the jeans scrunched below the knees, sit down on the stool/bed/chair behind you. Keep the knees together and angle them to the left.
7. From here, remove the jeans one leg at a time.
8. Keeping the tips of the toes of the right foot on the ground, lift the right heel so your foot is pointed.
9. Grab the hem of the right leg of the jeans in the back, inserting an index finger under the hem to help slide the fabric over your foot.
10. Pull the right leg of the jeans over your right heel. Completely remove the jeans from your right leg.
11. Shift your knees to the right and repeat for the left leg.
Easy as pie. “Just have to do my steps and then we can get going!” you can imagine telling your partner, and it’s fine. For those mainly interested in foot removal, I believe steps 8 to 10 can be adjusted to fit any pants-removing scenario. Point your toe like a ballerina, very graceful; insert your index finger under the hem; and pull the fabric — which is already bunched around your feet, like tights made of cardboard — over your foot. Ta-da.
Anyway, like I said, I did already know how to do it. Savvy readers might think I’m gearing up to suggest that the way to do it is just to do it any way because no one is really paying attention to your situation, and everyone has their own too tight pants to remove in a semi-awkward way, and likely everyone is just eager to get onto the next thing which out of respect I will not mention by name. But actually the way you do it is this: