aliens are real

Who, If Not Aliens, Is Sucking Every Drop of Blood From These Cows

A bull that has not been mutilated. Photo: Garrett Thurman / EyeEm/Getty Images/EyeE

This summer, some spooky shit occurred in eastern Oregon: Per NPR, five breeding bulls showed up dead on a ranch, with every drop of blood sucked from their body, and with their tongue and genitals surgically removed. The mutilated bulls looked like “giant, deflated plush [toys]” according to the report, which frames the deaths as “eerie” and “mysterious.” But the culprit behind the murders couldn’t be more obvious: It’s aliens.

And the county law enforcement investigating the murders undeniably knows this. According to NPR, Harney County sheriff’s deputy Dan Jenkins has ruled out that “bears, wolves, cougars, or poisonous plants” were involved in bulls’ demise; he also noted that the animals were not shot. In fact, Jenkins even acknowledged the alien theory — and he didn’t deny it.

“A lot of people lean toward the aliens,” he told NPR. “One caller had told us to look for basically a depression under the carcass. ‘Cause he said that the alien ships will kinda beam the cow up and do whatever they are going to do with it. Then they just drop them from a great height.”

Understandably, this theory might be unsettling or even incomprehensible to alien skeptics or deniers, but there’s really no other explanation. While the murdered bulls were pricey — $6,000 each, to be exact — why would a human only want their blood, genitals, and tongues? Furthermore, the report points to other incidents of dead cows turning up bloodless, one of which dates back to the 1980s. So unless there’s some deranged guy out there who’s been mutilating bulls for nearly four decades, it sure seems like a single human is not to blame.

If all of that’s not convincing enough, consider this additional piece of information: The FBI won’t confirm or deny whether it is looking into the deflated bulls. Interesting!

Who, If Not Aliens, Is Sucking All the Blood From These Cows