What Ungodly Thing Is This Royal Man Doing to a Cake?

Prince Edward.
Who is this man? Photo: @RoyalFamily/Twitter

People feel very passionately about the right way to cut certain foods: watermelon, sandwiches, cake, to name a few. As someone who truly doesn’t care what people do in the comfort of their own kitchens, I’ve always abstained from entering any food-cutting debate. But in the wake of disturbing footage that recently emerged out of a community center in Northern Ireland, I can no longer remain silent.

On Thursday, the official royal family Twitter account tweeted a video that appeared, from the still thumbnail image, to be innocuous. One can see Prince Edward — who’s apparently a funny-guy royal — holding a knife and standing next to a large rectangular cake, surrounded by a jolly crew. The accompanying text also suggested that the video would be heartwarming: “It was a happy moment for members of the local community and volunteers at Lakeland Community Care Centre, as The Earl of Wessex joined them in celebrating their 25th anniversary!”

What came after I pressed play did the opposite of warm my heart — it caused my chest to tighten so severely that I’m still experiencing shortness of breath:

As you can see, the royal man doesn’t simply cut what appears to be an exceptionally delicate sponge: He exuberantly mutilates it, and with excessive force, in a manner one of my co-workers aptly likened to gutting a fish or disemboweling a deer carcass. He shows no mercy to the confection. (The onlookers, perhaps stunned into a dissociative state, clap politely as they look on.)

Someone get the Great British Baking Show judges on the phone to speak to this stat.

What Ungodly Thing Is This Royal Man Doing to a Cake?