The Year’s Hottest Bachelor Is This Brainless Parisian Slime

Photo: Stephane de Sakutin /AFP via Getty Images

This year’s sexiest slime alive is a single-celled overachiever named Blob.

Blob, née Physarum polycephalum, is a yellowish slime mold of abundant talent and charm who practices self-care (they can heal cuts on their body in less than two-and-a-half minutes). They have no mouth, stomach, or eyes, yet can detect food and digest it, and can move around, although they have no legs, making them the ideal dinner date. They don’t have a brain, but they are always trying to learn new things, and what they lack in brain they make up for in sexes: Rather than having one or two of them, Blob has 720. Above all, they want to be loved for what’s inside, which isn’t hard because that’s where nearly all of them is.

If, like me, upon hearing this information you immediately thought to yourself, They sound perfect, where can I meet them? get in line, because the blob is being held in captivity at the Paris Zoological Park. The Guardian reports they’ll be on display this weekend. Bruno David, director of the Paris Museum of Natural History, which houses the Zoological Park, told the Guardian, “The blob is a living being which belongs to one of nature’s mysteries … It surprises us because it has no brain but is able to learn… and if you merge two blobs, the one that has learned will transmit its knowledge to the other.”

This hot sapiosexual won’t be playing the dating game for long, snap them up while you still can!!

The Year’s Hottest Bachelor Is This Brainless Parisian Slime