Well This Explicit Description of Mermaid Sex Has Been Burned Into My Mind

Photo: Courtesy of A24

You may have heard about the next installment in Robert Pattinson’s very horny oeuvre: Robert Eggers’s black-and-white film The Lighthouse, in which Pattinson and Willem Dafoe play two 19th-century lighthouse keepers who become increasingly deranged and sexually frustrated in isolation, and also murder a seagull.

But you probably didn’t know, as Eggers revealed in an interview today, that the movie contains a graphic sex scene between Pattinson and a mermaid. How graphic? So much that even just reading about it is an indelible, dare I say transformative, experience.

The film has its fair share of aggressively horny moments, even without the nautical fornication: Pattinson filmed several intense masturbating scenes, including one in a shed that the Daily Beast describes using the term “frenzied commitment” and Eggers characterized as “inspiring.” There was also, per Eggers, “a very juvenile shot of a lighthouse moving like an erect penis and a match-cut to an actual erect penis,” lamentably cut “for ratings.”

But things truly take a concupiscent turn when Pattinson hallucinates himself engaging in coitus with a mermaid, featuring an incredibly lifelike silicon vulva that Eggers based on shark labia. (“We … had to figure out how mermaids can copulate and create more mermaids. So we studied shark genitals,” he explained.) While Pattinson’s character humps the mermaid, “extremely close up” scenes of this mermaid’s downstairs play on screen, in a montage with tentacles and other fish parts. Eggers describes this — please, if you are of a fragile constitution, brace yourself — as “seafood salad shots.” A turn of phrase I can never forget even if I tried.

Anyway, I’m definitely going to see the movie.

This Description of Mermaid Sex Has Been Burned Into My Mind