The Sexy Clueless Reboot Nobody Asked For

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A group of TikTok algorithms got together to announce that Clueless, the 1995 classic starring Alicia Silverstone, is being remade for the modern era. Here’s the reboot description, via Deadline:

“The new Clueless — Mean Girls meets Riverdale meets a Lizzo music video — also is set in high school. It is described as a baby pink and bisexual blue-tinted, tiny sunglasses–wearing, oat-milk latte and Adderall-fueled look at what happens when the high-school queen bee, Cher, disappears and her lifelong No. 2, Dionne, steps into Cher’s vacant Air Jordans. How does Dionne deal with the pressures of being the new most popular girl in school, while also unraveling the mystery of what happened to her best friend, all in a setting that is uniquely 2020 L.A.?”

Listen, we already have Euphoria and Riverdale and we’re happy with that. Pretty teenagers doing drugs and pretty teenagers bickering amidst supernatural, small-town happenings. No one asked for the intersection of those two worlds, especially not by using a timeless classic as a vehicle.

The original Clueless was known for capturing — and popularizing — the specific way some youths spoke in the 1990s. Mean Girls did the same thing in the early aughts. Even though some of it was creative liberty (I don’t know that people actually said “jeepin’” and people definitely never said “fetch”), these films are pop-culture canon because they effortlessly captured the zeitgeist.

This, on the other hand, literally sounds like Urban Dictionary Mad Libs. In the words of Cher Horowitz, “As if!”

The Sexy Clueless Reboot Nobody Asked For