On Sunday, season two of Succession — the show about grotesquely wealthy adults failing to overcome their daddy issues — ended. Once Logan Roy’s steely, emotionally withholding smirk disappeared from the screen, viewers were left with the cold prospect of an upcoming year devoid of Waystar Royco–based joys, like Shiv’s high-waisted trousers, Shiv’s backless turtlenecks, or Gerri calling Roman a little slime puppy.
The months ahead will be terrible, that much we know. But at least we have each other, disgusting, desperate little content piggies that we are. So why not get some friends together, hyperdecant a nice bottle of Burgundy, and honor our favorite show by playing its most iconic game: Boar on the Floor.
Boar on the Floor, for those of you who don’t know, or have already tried to erase it from your psyche, was introduced to the world in season two, episode three. On a company retreat to go boar hunting in Hungary, Logan suspects there is a traitor among his underlings, one who has spoken to his unauthorized biographer. To retaliate, he launches a series of twisted psychological games, including telling one employee to pee in a bucket, forcing people to stand up at the dinner table and say whether they support his plan to buy the competing media company PGM and then berating them for their answers, and, of course, “playing” Boar on the Floor — a game he claims has no rules, and that is clearly intended only to humiliate those who play. “It’s fun!” Logan shouts threateningly at one point.
How would you play it in real life, if you and your friends are not a bunch of media executives desperate to keep their jobs? Below, our guide.
What you’ll need:
• 10–15 friends or “friends.”
• A chateau, preferably one that looks haunted. In a pinch, your apartment will do.
• One sausage, cooked.
1) Pick your three meekest guests, and get them to kneel down on the floor. (To figure out which guests are the meekest, casually mention that you need ice, and see who offers to go get some from the bodega nearby.)
2) Once they’re on their knees, get everyone else to start chanting “Boar on the floor!” Make careful note of whoever is chanting most enthusiastically, and resolve to never invite them to anything else, because they seem like they drew all the wrong conclusions from Lord of the Flies.
3) Say “Oink for your sausages, piggies!” The meek guests can do realistic porcine snorts, or say the word, “Oink,” that’s up to them. While they oink, reflect on the corrosive forces of unbridled capitalism.
4) Hold up the cooked sausage and explain that, on the count of three, the last piggy to eat the sausage is the mole. Or, if having a mole inside your company doesn’t resonate for your group, say that the last piggy to eat the sausage is the one who barfed Blue Curacao over everyone’s suitcases on spring break senior year, and never came forward.
5) Actually, first make them crawl in a circle with their eyes closed, oinking. Wonder why they’re still doing this, why you’re still doing this. Everyone could get up and leave at any point, but we’re all still here. Make a note to see your therapist.
6) Hurl the sausage onto the ground and watch them fight —
7) Don’t do any of this, you sicko!!!! It’s messed up!
8) Instead, rewatch the scene where Gerri banishes Roman into the bathroom to masturbate.