Halloween is a mere 27-ish days away, and I don’t know about you, but I would like to look Very Sexy in whatever costume I choose — sexy, but also aware. Like I’m up on the discourse, apprised of current events, able to use the internet, the whole bit. The Fish Tube, an iconic cultural event none of us will soon forget, checks those boxes, but maybe it’s a little too sexy. I could be the Ghost of the Hot Duck, but given that he’s been gone for months, that feels passé. Hm, well, a “moot stuffed with alligators and snakes” sounds fun and flirty, if also time-consuming to create. No, better to go with something simple, something immediately identifiable to all. Something like … mail fraud, one of 2019’s most high-profile crimes so far.
As you will recall, federal authorities charged dozens of wealthy helicopter parents with precisely this felony back in March, accusing them of bribing their children’s way into college. Some, like Full House actor Lori Loughlin, allegedly commissioned entirely invented athletic portfolios to secure their kids’ spots; some, like Desperate Housewives actor Felicity Huffman, admitted to buying their kid’s inflated SAT scores.
Pleading guilty, Huffman received a light, 14-day prison sentence, and said she participated in the scheme out of “desperation to be a good mother.” Costume company Yandy, its finger always on the pulse, picked up on that theme and ran with it, designing its Sexy College Cheating Scam outfit. It’s a skintight, stomach-baring take on the bright-orange prison jumpsuit, and reader, I do believe it is my winner:
Oops, you can’t always trust those motherly instincts. Turns out fame and intelligence don’t go hand in hand! Bribe your way to the admissions office and score the ultimate scholarly achievement (the best mom award!) in this exclusive College Scandal costume featuring a red orange crop top with “INMATE” printed in black, “MOM OF THE YEAR” printed in white and crossed out, fitted long sleeves, and matching high-waisted pants with an elastic waist and “Yandy University” printed in black. Can’t row your way out of this one! (Choker not included.)
Indeed I can’t! Looks like I’m going as Sexy Fraud. Now all I need is someone to be my William H. Macy With Sad Balloons!