On Wednesday morning, the skies opened, and a mysterious figure emerged … from where? Heaven? Hell? Another dimension? It took the shape of a man, one who looks uncannily familiar, but is impossible to place. Was he everyone, or no one? As soon as one gazed at his face, it seemed to disappear, our human minds unable to differentiate it from any other face or sensible blazer around us. For what purpose had he been summoned to our small, fragile planet? To bestow his blessing upon bumbling 2020 presidential candidate Joe Biden.
“I think this election for many, many Democrats — regardless of where you live — is about who can beat Donald Trump, and the key to that is who can beat Donald Trump in Michigan and Wisconsin and western Pennsylvania, in Ohio, and I’m convinced that that’s Joe Biden,” quoth the figure, speaking with a mysterious authority.
According to this Politico article, the figure is a man named Tim Ryan (??), a congressman from Ohio who was previously running for president, but dropped out last month. I will have to take their word for it, because I have never laid eyes on this person in my life.
This “Tim Ryan” figure made his otherworldly proclamation on Wednesday’s episode of MSNBC’s Morning Joe — an interesting choice for a being’s first jaunt around planet Earth. He went on to say that while other candidates, like Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren, had more ambitious reform plans, “The best thing we could do … to have a revolution in the United States is to get rid of Donald Trump.”
Will the endorsement of a never-before-seen constellation of matter — albeit one who dropped a Spotify mixtape — help Biden, who has so far raised less money than both Sanders and Warren? We’ll have to wait and see. At least now, in mid-November, this figure, whoever he may be, can finally enjoy his summer.