2020 election

Who Is the Buffest Candidate?

Photo: Getty Images

The 2020 election coverage has veered into serious flex territory of late, with candidates doing everything from posting their workout routines to bragging about their upper-body strength. This got me wondering which of the candidates are truly buff enough to bench-press America and which will be working as high-school gym teachers by the time 2024 rolls around.

What follows is an analysis of the Democratic candidates who have put forth the most comprehensive, personable, and deranged workout routines for your consideration.

Cory Booker: My Gym Buddy

As I’ve written before, Cory Booker is the candidate most likely to motivate me to go to the gym by doing absolutely anything in his power to please me. He is the trainer who gives you his last Clif bar and lets you punch him in the face when you need to blow off steam. A perfect physical specimen, he can complete multiple biceps curls without sweating through his starchy white Oxford. I am proud to call him my friend.

Joe Biden: Don’t Hurt Yourself

How many push-ups can Joe Biden do? According to Biden, at least one more than Donald Trump.

In July, the Democratic front-runner said in an interview that if Trump criticizes his mental or physical stamina, he will not back down from the challenge. “I would say, ‘Come on, Donald. Come on, man. How many push-ups do you want to do here, pal?’ Jokingly,” Biden said. “You know, come on, run with me, man.” Just days before, Biden had implied in an interview with CNN’s Chris Cuomo that the notion that he’d be intimidated by Trump is absurd, saying the president is a “bully that I knew my whole life. He’s the bully that I’ve always stood up to. He’s the bully that used to make fun when I was a kid that I stutter, and I’d smack him in the mouth.” But Biden’s greatest flex is that he can blunder endlessly and still come out on top in the polling.

Pete Buttigieg: Known to Work Out

While Pete Buttigieg’s supporters are busy bulking up their wrist muscles by dancing to Panic! at the Disco, the candidate himself is also known to stay in shape.

In September, the South Bend, Indiana, mayor’s national press secretary, Chris Meagher, told The Hill that Pete had just run six miles in a week and he can swim. “If there’s a gym, he’ll lift weights at the hotel, and he loves when he has the chance to swim laps,” Meagher said. “He always says he has more energy when he starts the day with a good workout.”

John Delaney: White Men Can Jump

A very alone John Delaney filmed himself jumping on and off an alarmingly rickety table over the weekend.

Delaney reminds me of a P.E. teacher I had in elementary school who referred to each muscle in his neck separately. I think Delaney could become a gym teacher too if he applies himself, although I honestly would not wish that upon kids. He is, in any case, very good at jumping.

Tulsi Gabbard: Most Buff in a Literal Sense

Earlier this month Tulsi Gabbard, yet another Democrat politician available to be president, leaked her routine on Twitter. She is also good at jumping, but when I watch her do it, my body temperature doesn’t precipitously drop.

Bernie Sanders: Strong Enough to Be Human

What we have here is a man whose workout routine is premised entirely on his love for baseball and unions. When I watch him joyously take to the dance floor, I can’t help but feel that whether I’m able to open a jar of pasta sauce on my third try or to hold down a job, I’m still a human being who deserves health care.

Who Is the Buffest Candidate?