What Makes Justin Bieber’s Hands So ‘Good’?

Photo: BG022/Bauer-Griffin/GC Images

Hailey Bieber, née Baldwin, thinks her husband, Justin Bieber, has fantastic hands. We know this because Justin recently posted a series of Instagram videos of himself playing hockey (he is Canadian), captioning one of them, “Like my wife always says … I got good hands.” Minutes later the world received double confirmation when Hailey responded “fact.” But what, exactly, did she mean?

I know what you’re all thinking about Bieber’s “good hands”: Just what sorts of situations could Hailey be referring to? Is this some kind of coded language or metaphor?

Luckily, I’ve thought of some possibilities and feel confident we as a society will someday get to the bottom of this.

1. His hands are great for writing experimental Instagram poetry, like the verse he wrote for Hailey commemorating their first year of marriage. “My lips get jealous of my arms cuz I can hold you with them,” writes the pop star, to which Hailey might well respond, “My eyes get jealous of your hand cuz I read your poems on the internet.”

2. They are the hands of her husband, therefore good.

3. Maybe, like me, Hailey saw Cats this weekend. Justin’s hands are not the terrifying hand-paws of the digital-fur creations featured in that movie, so they seem fine enough, even “good.”

4. Justin’s hands are good at applying his trademark natural deodorant.

5. And at innovating bold new ways to eat a burrito.

6. He proposed to her with those hands and married her with them too!

7. How would you hold hands all over town if the hands aren’t GOOD??!

As the great William Shakespeare wrote: “O, that I were a glove upon that hand.”

What Makes Justin Bieber’s Hands So ‘Good’?