Please, Harry Styles, Take Me for a Ride on Your Scream-Powered Sailboat

Harry Styles and the Ship of Screams. Photo: Getty Images

As I assume you already know, Harry Styles — the man we most want to feed a little ham, as a snack — has a new single out today, titled “Adore You.” In nearly eight minutes, its whimsical music video unfolds an if-you-love-someone-let-them-go-free allegory: the tale of a sad boy and his beautiful fish, an extended metaphor for the end of a romantic relationship. It’s all very delightful, but also, timely and important. At the very end of his odyssey, you see, Styles introduces the viewer to an innovative mode of transportation, one that runs on a truly unlimited resource.

It is a scream-powered sailboat, the most sustainable way to travel in the midst of an ever-spiraling climate crisis.

A brief overview: “Adore You” introduces us to a lonely man living on a frown-shaped island called Eroda, where everyone but Styles is irreparably glum. A literal sunshine kid — in the music video as in real life, Styles’s smile sets everything around him ablaze — Styles finds himself an outcast, and spends his time screaming into jars as an outlet for his anguish.

Sailboat fuel. Photo: Harry Styles/Youtube

But soon the jars are not enough: Unable to stifle his inner light, he fills his pockets with stones and wades into the angry ocean — which is where he meets the fish, a sequiny specimen flopping helplessly on the rocks. Styles spirits the fish back to his home, where thrives under his loving care. It grows bigger and bigger until finally, it is Too Big: The fish must return to the sea, or die. Seeing his plight, the townspeople help him drag the now calf-sized fish down a pier and plonk it back into the ocean, where it gleefully swims away with its school.

Their hearts softened by a communal act of goodwill, the townspeople embrace their quirks and their quirky boy, in turn empowering him to strike out on his own. Styles packs his scream jars into a small boat and, unleashing one into the sail, cruises off in search of new adventures.

Unleash the screams! Photo: Harry Styles/Youtube

You might argue that there’s a message about harnessing one’s pain into forward momentum and a sophomore album baked into that ending, and maybe you’d be right. But me? I am taken with the idea of a sailboat that runs not on wind — a fickle friend — but on screams. Given my ballooning horror at the general state of, ah, everything, I have so many screams to give. I find the scream-powered sailboat an ingenious concept, both as a vessel for my outrage, and as a responsible alternative to environmentally damaging transit options. Please, Harry, won’t you take me on a voyage in your little ship of screams?

Dreamboat Harry and his ship of screams. Photo: Harry Styles/Youtube
I Want to Ride on Harry Styles’s Ship of Screams