christmas 2019

What Day Is Christmas: A Poem

Photo: Yulia Reznikov/Getty Images

’Twas the week before “Christmas,” but what day is that?
Not a creature was doubtless, not even a bat;
Though stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
St. Nicholas wondered, “When will I be there?”
The children were nestled all snug in their beds;
While “Tuesday? No — Thursday” bounced ’round in their heads;
And mom on her iPad, and I on my phone,
Decided which meetings to keep or postpone,
When just to my right there arose such a clatter,
“Wait, what?!” my wife said; oh no, what was the matter?
Away to her iPad I flew like a flash,
And turned down the brightness, it was much too brash.
When what to my wondering eyes was the scene,
The search, “What Day Is Christmas 2019?”
O Google, you are so lively and quick!
Telling us in a moment when we’d see St. Nick.
But what — what the fuck, and please pardon my curse!
I’d thought it was Thursday, but this was much worse!
Now, Bing! Now, Excite! And now DuckDuckGo!
On,! On, Dogpile! And even Lycos!
To the top at the search bar! at the top we must scrawl!
Christmas Day! Christmas Day! Christmas Day all!
Then, laying my finger inside of the drawer,
I grabbed for my car keys and ran out the door;
As I sprang to my car, to my wife I declared,
But she heard me exclaim, as I drove in high gear —
“Happy Christmas to all! It’s on Wednesday this year!”

So What Day Is Christmas Again?